So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection...
My mom loves that song, the one from the Muppet movie. When I was very young, my mom told me that she wanted that song played at her funeral, just because it was her favorite. Since then, I was very aware that one day my mom was going to die. It didn't trouble me then. Maybe I have a lot more going up to do because the idea sure as hell troubles me now.
I do not regret for a second spending the summer at La Salle. When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I suffered greatly through some uncertainty about whether or not I wanted to stay home in Baltimore for the summer. Obviously, the news scared me and I instantly wanted to be closer to home and to her. The first couple of weeks of summer, I had terrible, terrible nightmares involving my guilt about staying at La Salle. Now, I am so glad that I decided to stay and become a Day ONE host.
Today was absolutely phenomenal. I had a fantastic group of students that were really cool, really into participating in the activities, made a lot of great connections with each other and me, and really just opened up and got along great as a group. No one likes a Monday, no matter how great your job is, and being a host is a LOT of work, so it's definitely hard to get motivated after a long relaxing weekend. This group of kids really made my day, and made me realize why I chose to do this. I want to thank each and every one of them for being so completely great.
The summer is off to a ridiculous start. We had our first party in our townhouse, the first big dinner, the first trip to the beach. The other hosts and I got to know each other so well throughout training and being on duty together, and generally spending all our time together. It's been really amazing. I'm glad I've gotten a chance to get to know these people, most of whom I know of, but didn't really know anything about them. Everything really seems to be coming together and we work well together so far.
My relationship with Jeff is blossoming very nicely too. It makes me so happy to have such a complete joy. I make it home when I can. Mom starts radiation therapy in two weeks. Chemotherapy will probably come later in the year, although it is definitely coming. I have no idea how I am going to handle that when it begins to happen, but I know that I will have a wonderful support system in place to come to in case I need someone to lean on.
Watching all the parents with their new freshmen fills me with nostalgia and sentimentality. I remember how my mom must have felt to have to "give me up" at Day ONE. Given that her life is in danger from the cancer, remembering how she must have felt at my Day ONE (back when I was too stupid and self-centered to care) breaks my heart.
If anyone reads this, (which no one does) call your mom and tell her you love her. Like right now. She's not gonna be around forever.
...the lovers, the dreamers, and me.
I do not regret for a second spending the summer at La Salle. When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I suffered greatly through some uncertainty about whether or not I wanted to stay home in Baltimore for the summer. Obviously, the news scared me and I instantly wanted to be closer to home and to her. The first couple of weeks of summer, I had terrible, terrible nightmares involving my guilt about staying at La Salle. Now, I am so glad that I decided to stay and become a Day ONE host.
Today was absolutely phenomenal. I had a fantastic group of students that were really cool, really into participating in the activities, made a lot of great connections with each other and me, and really just opened up and got along great as a group. No one likes a Monday, no matter how great your job is, and being a host is a LOT of work, so it's definitely hard to get motivated after a long relaxing weekend. This group of kids really made my day, and made me realize why I chose to do this. I want to thank each and every one of them for being so completely great.
The summer is off to a ridiculous start. We had our first party in our townhouse, the first big dinner, the first trip to the beach. The other hosts and I got to know each other so well throughout training and being on duty together, and generally spending all our time together. It's been really amazing. I'm glad I've gotten a chance to get to know these people, most of whom I know of, but didn't really know anything about them. Everything really seems to be coming together and we work well together so far.
My relationship with Jeff is blossoming very nicely too. It makes me so happy to have such a complete joy. I make it home when I can. Mom starts radiation therapy in two weeks. Chemotherapy will probably come later in the year, although it is definitely coming. I have no idea how I am going to handle that when it begins to happen, but I know that I will have a wonderful support system in place to come to in case I need someone to lean on.
Watching all the parents with their new freshmen fills me with nostalgia and sentimentality. I remember how my mom must have felt to have to "give me up" at Day ONE. Given that her life is in danger from the cancer, remembering how she must have felt at my Day ONE (back when I was too stupid and self-centered to care) breaks my heart.
If anyone reads this, (which no one does) call your mom and tell her you love her. Like right now. She's not gonna be around forever.
...the lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Nostalgia, much?
Yes, it's 3:05 in the morning. Yes, I need to move into Basil's between noon and 2pm tomorrow. No, I am not finished packing yet. Yes, I am blogging instead. Eh, I have 9 hours.... that's plenty of time.
I swore that I would only blog when I had happy things to say, or at least, not depressing things to say. Hence, I haven't had much to say the rest of my spring semester. That's not to say there weren't incredibly exhilarating, life fulfilling, amazing moments. It's just that I am a cynic and I tend to focus on the bad things. Plus I have just been really busy and had no time to blog.
Great things that have happened since my last post:
- BERLIN. VIENNA. Everything that the trip was to me.
- I turned 21 in style. :)
- I finished my Honors Project.
- I got hired as a Day ONE host!
- Things like Formal and Kiss the Wall, during which I was introduced to the best cheesesteak in Philly.
- I broke my "I don't wanna be in love" resolution, and I am oh so glad I did.
- Nobody in my family died.
That last one wasn't sarcastic. (Okay, only slightly.) Recently, that last one was thrown into Jeopardy in various ways. Luckily, everything is stable and happy and healthy, at least at the moment.
Brief synopsis for those who didn't know: My mom was diagnosed with pleomorphic liposarcoma on March 27th. A very crazy story, a very very rare cancer, with a very low survival rate. The good news is the cancer, which grows in the muscle, hasn't travelled to any other parts of her body or internal organs. With a little more surgery, on May 7th, my mom's oncologist is optimistic that he can get all of the cancer out!
When I got the bad news, before the good news came, I didn't handle it well. Normally, my reaction to sadness is to drown my sorrows in alcohol or bad choices. When I called my father the day after we found out about the cancer, he told me that my mom was worried I would be drinking too much. He made me promise not to drink to make myself feel better. For my mom's sake, and because of people who were close to me, I did my best to process feelings in a normal way and not destroy myself when I was sad. Trust me, it was new. I ended up becoming extremely depressed. I just kind of shut down in a variety of ways. For most of April I was completely miserable, stressed, and finding myself unable to function. Once my mom had more tests and her appointments yielded positive results, I found myself trying to catch up with all the work that I put off while I was incredibly sad.
I have a lot of regrets about not feeling ok for a month. I feel like I missed out a lot on most of the fun stuff of spring semester because I was so self-focused and worried about my mom. I felt Rip Van Winkle-ish; like I woke up suddenly after sleeping through half the semester. Oh well, I have one more spring left. Maybe. Jury's still out on that one.
I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends for supporting me during my "dark" period. I am definitely looking forward to living in Philly over the summer. I have a lot of fun stuff planned, and so many of my friends are going to be here! Or, relatively close to here! So it's good times ahead.
I'm naturally a very sentimental person, so looking back on this year is really really hard right now. I feel like I've changed so much. So many things feel different and turned out way different than I expected at the beginning of the fall. I'm getting a similar "not ready to let go" feeling that I got at the end of the fall. The difference is that I missed the ebb and flow of the year. Being in my bubble of sad for a month made me miss the rise and fall of the spring. I feel like the semester was just going full force and then dropped off suddenly without warning - everything was going strong and then this morning I woke up and there was a mass exodus from the townhouses.
Here's to you 07-08. Goodbye junior year.
Cheers.
I swore that I would only blog when I had happy things to say, or at least, not depressing things to say. Hence, I haven't had much to say the rest of my spring semester. That's not to say there weren't incredibly exhilarating, life fulfilling, amazing moments. It's just that I am a cynic and I tend to focus on the bad things. Plus I have just been really busy and had no time to blog.
Great things that have happened since my last post:
- BERLIN. VIENNA. Everything that the trip was to me.
- I turned 21 in style. :)
- I finished my Honors Project.
- I got hired as a Day ONE host!
- Things like Formal and Kiss the Wall, during which I was introduced to the best cheesesteak in Philly.
- I broke my "I don't wanna be in love" resolution, and I am oh so glad I did.
- Nobody in my family died.
That last one wasn't sarcastic. (Okay, only slightly.) Recently, that last one was thrown into Jeopardy in various ways. Luckily, everything is stable and happy and healthy, at least at the moment.
Brief synopsis for those who didn't know: My mom was diagnosed with pleomorphic liposarcoma on March 27th. A very crazy story, a very very rare cancer, with a very low survival rate. The good news is the cancer, which grows in the muscle, hasn't travelled to any other parts of her body or internal organs. With a little more surgery, on May 7th, my mom's oncologist is optimistic that he can get all of the cancer out!
When I got the bad news, before the good news came, I didn't handle it well. Normally, my reaction to sadness is to drown my sorrows in alcohol or bad choices. When I called my father the day after we found out about the cancer, he told me that my mom was worried I would be drinking too much. He made me promise not to drink to make myself feel better. For my mom's sake, and because of people who were close to me, I did my best to process feelings in a normal way and not destroy myself when I was sad. Trust me, it was new. I ended up becoming extremely depressed. I just kind of shut down in a variety of ways. For most of April I was completely miserable, stressed, and finding myself unable to function. Once my mom had more tests and her appointments yielded positive results, I found myself trying to catch up with all the work that I put off while I was incredibly sad.
I have a lot of regrets about not feeling ok for a month. I feel like I missed out a lot on most of the fun stuff of spring semester because I was so self-focused and worried about my mom. I felt Rip Van Winkle-ish; like I woke up suddenly after sleeping through half the semester. Oh well, I have one more spring left. Maybe. Jury's still out on that one.
I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends for supporting me during my "dark" period. I am definitely looking forward to living in Philly over the summer. I have a lot of fun stuff planned, and so many of my friends are going to be here! Or, relatively close to here! So it's good times ahead.
I'm naturally a very sentimental person, so looking back on this year is really really hard right now. I feel like I've changed so much. So many things feel different and turned out way different than I expected at the beginning of the fall. I'm getting a similar "not ready to let go" feeling that I got at the end of the fall. The difference is that I missed the ebb and flow of the year. Being in my bubble of sad for a month made me miss the rise and fall of the spring. I feel like the semester was just going full force and then dropped off suddenly without warning - everything was going strong and then this morning I woke up and there was a mass exodus from the townhouses.
Here's to you 07-08. Goodbye junior year.
Cheers.
Monday, February 11, 2008
one year ago....
there are a MILLION things on my mind. so much going on at this point in the semester. I'm loving it.
this week has made me feel a lot of things that i need to sort out in an informal way. one year ago something changed my life. and this week, i had this strange deja vu on several instances that really made me pause and kind of get nostalgic.
deja vu number one:
i was giving dr. franson a tour of the theatre in order to get him acquainted with the space for his acting workshop. no, he didnt give the acting workshop last year. but he mentioned, "oh yes, mark gave me this tour last year before i was hired." i said, "i was supposed to give that tour along with him. funny story about that." what i didnt add was, that was the weekend i got sick.
deja vu number two:
the lasallian service trips auction. kate called me and asked if i was going and i had forgotten about it. i came home and decided to go along with madeline. when i went, i saw all the people who had to work it because they were going on service trips. i remembered, last year i was supposed to work it. but, that was the weekend i got sick.
deja vu number three:
it started flurrying earlier today. i thought about valentines day last year, which happened to be the BEST DAY EVER because it was valentines day, and it was a snow day. this also brought back a huge wave of deja vu. last years valentines day was the best ive ever had. it happened before i got sick.
anyway, im sure its obvious by now im going to reflect on me getting sick. so much has happened to me since i got diagnosed with Meniere's disease. my entire year was tinged with this nagging, annoying thing that i sometimes had to pay attention to but i've largely kept a secret from anyone who didn't need to know.
i will never forget how it happened, how i felt. i lost my hearing on a wednesday night. it happened strangely. i was playing cards with madeline at john's townhouse and i realized i couldnt hear out of my right ear any longer. i had no idea what to do about it, it was so random and bizarre. the next morning i still couldnt hear, so i took the morning off of work and classes and laid down. i woke up at 12:00 and was terrified. i couldnt move. i was soooo dizzy and nauseated. i had no idea what was wrong with me. i called john, he brought me lunch. i couldnt eat it. while he was there, i started throwing up uncontrollably. it was then that i called my mom begging to take me home. i was panicking, i had no idea what was wrong, i felt like i was going to die. after i threw up for a while, and dictated emails to john to tell my writing fellows students that i couldnt meet with them because i was deathly ill, i went to bed again. my dad came to get me three hours later, but i was so sick i couldnt get out of bed to pack to go home. i had no idea what to do. i was alone in my room. i lied on the floor, unable to move because i was so dizzy. i called kristen. she showed up at my room with kate, mary clare, and madeline. the four of them got a bag packed for me and carried me to my dad. i threw up the whole car ride home. i went to bed when i got home, and i remember distinctly, a clear crystallizing moment. it was friday morning. (i got sick on a thursday.) i was half awake, drowsily coming around. i was aware of silence. then, loud, pounding, resounding, oppressive ringing in my right ear. i havent heard silence, ever, since. i miss it.
having this sickness has been really wierd. its not something that affects me every day. but its always there. every day, all day, when i wake til when i sleep, constantly a noise in my right ear. my hearing hasnt completely recovered. some days its horrible, other days barely noticeable. i take care of myself better now, mostly. its just weird to realize that a year ago this happened and everything changed as a result. i thought about the people in my life then, and what they mean to me now. i think about what i was looking forward to then, what im looking forward to now.
so much crazy shit going on in the future. what the hell will i think to myself about in one year from now?
this week has made me feel a lot of things that i need to sort out in an informal way. one year ago something changed my life. and this week, i had this strange deja vu on several instances that really made me pause and kind of get nostalgic.
deja vu number one:
i was giving dr. franson a tour of the theatre in order to get him acquainted with the space for his acting workshop. no, he didnt give the acting workshop last year. but he mentioned, "oh yes, mark gave me this tour last year before i was hired." i said, "i was supposed to give that tour along with him. funny story about that." what i didnt add was, that was the weekend i got sick.
deja vu number two:
the lasallian service trips auction. kate called me and asked if i was going and i had forgotten about it. i came home and decided to go along with madeline. when i went, i saw all the people who had to work it because they were going on service trips. i remembered, last year i was supposed to work it. but, that was the weekend i got sick.
deja vu number three:
it started flurrying earlier today. i thought about valentines day last year, which happened to be the BEST DAY EVER because it was valentines day, and it was a snow day. this also brought back a huge wave of deja vu. last years valentines day was the best ive ever had. it happened before i got sick.
anyway, im sure its obvious by now im going to reflect on me getting sick. so much has happened to me since i got diagnosed with Meniere's disease. my entire year was tinged with this nagging, annoying thing that i sometimes had to pay attention to but i've largely kept a secret from anyone who didn't need to know.
i will never forget how it happened, how i felt. i lost my hearing on a wednesday night. it happened strangely. i was playing cards with madeline at john's townhouse and i realized i couldnt hear out of my right ear any longer. i had no idea what to do about it, it was so random and bizarre. the next morning i still couldnt hear, so i took the morning off of work and classes and laid down. i woke up at 12:00 and was terrified. i couldnt move. i was soooo dizzy and nauseated. i had no idea what was wrong with me. i called john, he brought me lunch. i couldnt eat it. while he was there, i started throwing up uncontrollably. it was then that i called my mom begging to take me home. i was panicking, i had no idea what was wrong, i felt like i was going to die. after i threw up for a while, and dictated emails to john to tell my writing fellows students that i couldnt meet with them because i was deathly ill, i went to bed again. my dad came to get me three hours later, but i was so sick i couldnt get out of bed to pack to go home. i had no idea what to do. i was alone in my room. i lied on the floor, unable to move because i was so dizzy. i called kristen. she showed up at my room with kate, mary clare, and madeline. the four of them got a bag packed for me and carried me to my dad. i threw up the whole car ride home. i went to bed when i got home, and i remember distinctly, a clear crystallizing moment. it was friday morning. (i got sick on a thursday.) i was half awake, drowsily coming around. i was aware of silence. then, loud, pounding, resounding, oppressive ringing in my right ear. i havent heard silence, ever, since. i miss it.
having this sickness has been really wierd. its not something that affects me every day. but its always there. every day, all day, when i wake til when i sleep, constantly a noise in my right ear. my hearing hasnt completely recovered. some days its horrible, other days barely noticeable. i take care of myself better now, mostly. its just weird to realize that a year ago this happened and everything changed as a result. i thought about the people in my life then, and what they mean to me now. i think about what i was looking forward to then, what im looking forward to now.
so much crazy shit going on in the future. what the hell will i think to myself about in one year from now?
Thursday, February 07, 2008
go find your spark, and get happy
i resolved that i would blog more often than i have been. and i have also resolved only to blog when i am happy. luckily, as things are seemingly turning out so far, happiness is definitely occurring, and therefore, blogging can follow. :)
this semester is such a complete change of pace for me. this is the first time i haven't had a "middle show" to work on and that is kind of bizarre. there's this empty gap in my day that usually tech or something would occupy, but luckily that starts up soon.
my schedule so far is kind of awesome. i have lots of work but lots of time to get it all done. i'm mostly on top/ahead of everything that i need to do on a daily basis, which is delightfully different from what i'm used to. i spend shit tons of time in the english department, which i never had time for last semester. this means two really good things happen. 1) i read for classes when i am awake and therefore retain more knowledge and 2) i schmooze with my teachers. oh just kidding three things: 3) i GET PAID more!
so much about my life is a lot more chill this semester. last fall was wayyyyyy too busy. i totally overworked myself to the point of exhaustion. having the internship twice a week was a little too much. i had a normal amount of work and half the time to do it in. also, less time spent in a paying job meant less income, which meant less money for fun and recreation. i feel infinitely more free, even though my course load is much more this semester. i think its because im genuinely enthusiastic and loving what i do now. im enamored with every single of my classes this semester, and i look forward to going to all of them. what an awesome feeling, just to really feel a deeply excited about the classes im taking.....
i cant help but notice that this wonderful euphoria happens in a time in my life when im single. for the first time in 5 years, i am ACTUALLY single! what a phenomenon!!! i think my new year's resolution of "i dont wanna be in love" is the best idea ive ever had! i've never had so much confidence in myself, so much energy, and been so relaxed before. i've taken to wandering the city on the weekends by myself, just to walk and experience the sights and sounds and the ambiance of life. these moments of me just being are incredibly life affirming. how wonderful it is to be young, and alive, and just blessed with such great friends and ample opportunities to seize and savor. i haven't felt genuinely happy and comfortable since.... i wanna say sophomore year of high school.
am i weird for being happy and being single? life tells us that we should be happy when we are in a relationship. i guess i experienced relative happiness while in relationships... but maybe im a narcissist, and only i can make me truly happy.
i hope im not doomed to never having a family or anything because i've come to think of relationships as a negative thing. hopefully i'll outgrow my free spirit and be a typical girl eventually and whine about wanting a boyfriend and then when i get one, whine about him not wanting to marry me, and when/if he does, then i can progress to whining about him not being a good husband. i mean......i guess i assume i'll eventually want to "settle down" but a part of me is terrified that i won't. maybe this is who i am and how i will be as an adult - unhappy unless alone.
ah, that's too far away to worry about right now. all i should think about is this paper i need to write!
happy posts make me glad. good night everyone (which is no one since no one reads)!
PS: i dont care enough to post answers to the music quiz. my fear of commitment permeates so deep, i cant even follow up on that. :)
this semester is such a complete change of pace for me. this is the first time i haven't had a "middle show" to work on and that is kind of bizarre. there's this empty gap in my day that usually tech or something would occupy, but luckily that starts up soon.
my schedule so far is kind of awesome. i have lots of work but lots of time to get it all done. i'm mostly on top/ahead of everything that i need to do on a daily basis, which is delightfully different from what i'm used to. i spend shit tons of time in the english department, which i never had time for last semester. this means two really good things happen. 1) i read for classes when i am awake and therefore retain more knowledge and 2) i schmooze with my teachers. oh just kidding three things: 3) i GET PAID more!
so much about my life is a lot more chill this semester. last fall was wayyyyyy too busy. i totally overworked myself to the point of exhaustion. having the internship twice a week was a little too much. i had a normal amount of work and half the time to do it in. also, less time spent in a paying job meant less income, which meant less money for fun and recreation. i feel infinitely more free, even though my course load is much more this semester. i think its because im genuinely enthusiastic and loving what i do now. im enamored with every single of my classes this semester, and i look forward to going to all of them. what an awesome feeling, just to really feel a deeply excited about the classes im taking.....
i cant help but notice that this wonderful euphoria happens in a time in my life when im single. for the first time in 5 years, i am ACTUALLY single! what a phenomenon!!! i think my new year's resolution of "i dont wanna be in love" is the best idea ive ever had! i've never had so much confidence in myself, so much energy, and been so relaxed before. i've taken to wandering the city on the weekends by myself, just to walk and experience the sights and sounds and the ambiance of life. these moments of me just being are incredibly life affirming. how wonderful it is to be young, and alive, and just blessed with such great friends and ample opportunities to seize and savor. i haven't felt genuinely happy and comfortable since.... i wanna say sophomore year of high school.
am i weird for being happy and being single? life tells us that we should be happy when we are in a relationship. i guess i experienced relative happiness while in relationships... but maybe im a narcissist, and only i can make me truly happy.
i hope im not doomed to never having a family or anything because i've come to think of relationships as a negative thing. hopefully i'll outgrow my free spirit and be a typical girl eventually and whine about wanting a boyfriend and then when i get one, whine about him not wanting to marry me, and when/if he does, then i can progress to whining about him not being a good husband. i mean......i guess i assume i'll eventually want to "settle down" but a part of me is terrified that i won't. maybe this is who i am and how i will be as an adult - unhappy unless alone.
ah, that's too far away to worry about right now. all i should think about is this paper i need to write!
happy posts make me glad. good night everyone (which is no one since no one reads)!
PS: i dont care enough to post answers to the music quiz. my fear of commitment permeates so deep, i cant even follow up on that. :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
stolen from dan
Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.
1. Grew up in a small town, when the rain would fall down
2. Dear baby baby, won't you, I go crazy crazy for you
3. I don't know when it all began to simmer down, suddenly I don't want you around
4. When we met, life was set, thoughts free flow you said you got something deep inside of you.
5. Hand out the window, floating on air, just a flick of the wrist and I am waving you goodbye
6. Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret
7. oh, you are taking me back from where I've been
8. I came into this world as reject
9. Am I more than you bargained for yet?
10. Who do you think you are? barging in on me and my guitar?
11. Every morning theres a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriends four post bed.
12. Find me here, speak to me, I want to feel you, I need to hear you
13. I want you to remember, a love so full it could send us all ways
14. From an empty room in the first floor as the cars pass by the liquor store
15. I kissed a drunk girl
16. Avalanche she's sullen and too thin
17. Home is this quiet place where you should be alone
18. Where I come from isn't all that great, my automobile is a piece of crap
19. On my own, pretending he's beside me
20. Made the toast buy the eggs, never got the hang of them, just another other day
21. Broadway's dark tonight
22. While she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention
23. The Signal, is subtle, we pass just close enough to touch, no question, no answers, we know by now to say enough
24. They say in chess, you've got to kill the queen and then you've made it
25. This is the first day of my life, I swear I was born right in the doorway
26. I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason
27. This song goes out to my good friends, especially to the ones I had before the Grammy nomination in 2003
28. I never said I'd lie and wait forever. If I did we'd be together.
29. How the hell did we wind up like this?
30. Yeah take it or leave it yeah, did you get what you needed?
31. Maybe this time, I'll be lucky. Maybe this time, he'll stay.
32. All aboard hit the road, all the bullshit cant be ignored
33. Days swiftly come and go, I'm dreaming of her, She's seeing other guys, emotions astir
34. Closing Time, open all the doors and let you out into the world.
35. Yesterday I went insane, oh my god, I forgot my name
36. Something is wrong with the sum of us that I can't seem to erase
37. The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight, this is the moment that I live for, I can smell the ocean air
38. God damn you half Japanese girls, you do it to me every time (HAHAHAHAHA i love that this song came on.... but i digress)
39. Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness
40. You build me up you knock me down, provoke a smile and make me frown
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.
1. Grew up in a small town, when the rain would fall down
2. Dear baby baby, won't you, I go crazy crazy for you
3. I don't know when it all began to simmer down, suddenly I don't want you around
4. When we met, life was set, thoughts free flow you said you got something deep inside of you.
5. Hand out the window, floating on air, just a flick of the wrist and I am waving you goodbye
6. Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret
7. oh, you are taking me back from where I've been
8. I came into this world as reject
9. Am I more than you bargained for yet?
10. Who do you think you are? barging in on me and my guitar?
11. Every morning theres a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriends four post bed.
12. Find me here, speak to me, I want to feel you, I need to hear you
13. I want you to remember, a love so full it could send us all ways
14. From an empty room in the first floor as the cars pass by the liquor store
15. I kissed a drunk girl
16. Avalanche she's sullen and too thin
17. Home is this quiet place where you should be alone
18. Where I come from isn't all that great, my automobile is a piece of crap
19. On my own, pretending he's beside me
20. Made the toast buy the eggs, never got the hang of them, just another other day
21. Broadway's dark tonight
22. While she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention
23. The Signal, is subtle, we pass just close enough to touch, no question, no answers, we know by now to say enough
24. They say in chess, you've got to kill the queen and then you've made it
25. This is the first day of my life, I swear I was born right in the doorway
26. I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason
27. This song goes out to my good friends, especially to the ones I had before the Grammy nomination in 2003
28. I never said I'd lie and wait forever. If I did we'd be together.
29. How the hell did we wind up like this?
30. Yeah take it or leave it yeah, did you get what you needed?
31. Maybe this time, I'll be lucky. Maybe this time, he'll stay.
32. All aboard hit the road, all the bullshit cant be ignored
33. Days swiftly come and go, I'm dreaming of her, She's seeing other guys, emotions astir
34. Closing Time, open all the doors and let you out into the world.
35. Yesterday I went insane, oh my god, I forgot my name
36. Something is wrong with the sum of us that I can't seem to erase
37. The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight, this is the moment that I live for, I can smell the ocean air
38. God damn you half Japanese girls, you do it to me every time (HAHAHAHAHA i love that this song came on.... but i digress)
39. Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness
40. You build me up you knock me down, provoke a smile and make me frown
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great
the year in review......woo hoo!
the whole 15 people debate? i fall on the apathetic side. they are fun to read, and serve an important cathartic purpose for the writer. i think that telling people how you feel is such an important part of being an adult. doing so anonymously is therapeutic and sometimes needed. i looked back at my last year's 15 ppl post, and i was pleased to say that most of what i wanted for those people in my life came true, occurred, or changed. how awesome is that? everything that i wished for in the people that were the closest to me actually happened. it isnt very often that we can say that about ourselves. its so encouraging to realize that i made the changes that i wanted to see in my relationships. rock on!
i didnt really expect to have such a great year. perhaps its my completely psychotic tendencies to see only the good and only the bad, but right now, i feel extremely good about the past year. i tend to go balls to the wall in everything i do, and also, make bad choices in general. as a result, i have put myself through some ridiculously painful experiences in my short life. looking back, i had a fantastic year, for me. i cant think of a single major regret. again, i find it important to reiterate how incredibly rare this is for me.
i think one of the reasons that i somehow managed to not make a monumental catastrophe out of my life was this stupid Menieres thing. as much as i ignore the whole "no alcohol or caffeine" rule, having this problem has really made me stop and consider the consequences of my actions more. as depressed as i was when i found out i had the condition, the constant reminder to look before i leap as definitely been a good thing for me.
there were so many highlights to this year......oh wow i cant even imagine listing them all.... i will say this though....growing up is getting kind of fun. :)
i really did sit down and think about what i would say in a 15 people post. to be honest, i have no deep, dark secrets from the past year. pretty much, if i felt something for someone, i told them, straight up. i cant think of anything that i need to anonymously get off my chest. that is such a liberating feeling, not having skeletons in the closet. i have definitely given up a lot of my angtsy emo mindset that pervaded my life since high school. i pretty much like where i am, where im going, and who im taking along on the ride with me. i feel so much more chill about life in general. i dont sweat the small stuff as much, and im definitely seeing the good in others a lot more. something that i noticed about myself this year, this past semester to be more specific, is that i hate people in general a lot less. the people who get on my nerves really arent that annoying. so either im getting more tolerant, or ppl in general are maturing around me. either way, this development is pretty much awesome. and unexpected as well!
such optimism is a rarity for me, so preserving it in a blog is really good. hopefully when i look at this a year from now, i wont disappoint myself.
heres to 2008! don't suck! ;)
the whole 15 people debate? i fall on the apathetic side. they are fun to read, and serve an important cathartic purpose for the writer. i think that telling people how you feel is such an important part of being an adult. doing so anonymously is therapeutic and sometimes needed. i looked back at my last year's 15 ppl post, and i was pleased to say that most of what i wanted for those people in my life came true, occurred, or changed. how awesome is that? everything that i wished for in the people that were the closest to me actually happened. it isnt very often that we can say that about ourselves. its so encouraging to realize that i made the changes that i wanted to see in my relationships. rock on!
i didnt really expect to have such a great year. perhaps its my completely psychotic tendencies to see only the good and only the bad, but right now, i feel extremely good about the past year. i tend to go balls to the wall in everything i do, and also, make bad choices in general. as a result, i have put myself through some ridiculously painful experiences in my short life. looking back, i had a fantastic year, for me. i cant think of a single major regret. again, i find it important to reiterate how incredibly rare this is for me.
i think one of the reasons that i somehow managed to not make a monumental catastrophe out of my life was this stupid Menieres thing. as much as i ignore the whole "no alcohol or caffeine" rule, having this problem has really made me stop and consider the consequences of my actions more. as depressed as i was when i found out i had the condition, the constant reminder to look before i leap as definitely been a good thing for me.
there were so many highlights to this year......oh wow i cant even imagine listing them all.... i will say this though....growing up is getting kind of fun. :)
i really did sit down and think about what i would say in a 15 people post. to be honest, i have no deep, dark secrets from the past year. pretty much, if i felt something for someone, i told them, straight up. i cant think of anything that i need to anonymously get off my chest. that is such a liberating feeling, not having skeletons in the closet. i have definitely given up a lot of my angtsy emo mindset that pervaded my life since high school. i pretty much like where i am, where im going, and who im taking along on the ride with me. i feel so much more chill about life in general. i dont sweat the small stuff as much, and im definitely seeing the good in others a lot more. something that i noticed about myself this year, this past semester to be more specific, is that i hate people in general a lot less. the people who get on my nerves really arent that annoying. so either im getting more tolerant, or ppl in general are maturing around me. either way, this development is pretty much awesome. and unexpected as well!
such optimism is a rarity for me, so preserving it in a blog is really good. hopefully when i look at this a year from now, i wont disappoint myself.
heres to 2008! don't suck! ;)
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
bah humbug :)
since i am infamous for hating christmas, i decided that after having a wonderful one, i ought to write about it. :) one of my resolutions is to write about the good stuff in this blog so that i can go back and look at it later.
christmas wasn't so bad this year. i did the whole family function thing, basically i socialized a little and drank a lot of wine. i came home and immediately changed into my pajamas, and began IMing adrie and senyee. eventually all three of us were telling each other about some tough stuff we were going through at home. adrie said, "im bored, restless, and its still really early. i want to go out but nothings open" and i said "lets find a diner or something, we need to get out of here" and we convinced senyee to come too. adrie sprang into the car, and picked us both up, and we headed to Dennys for an overextended late night second dinner. it was glorious, we talked and laughed and chilled out for a few hours, eating dark chocolate truffles in celebration of us hating the holidays, and generally unwinding and enjoying each others company. adrie and i were still in our pajamas. eventually, i came home and bounded upstairs, unable to stop smiling.
just that few hours with my friends really relaxed me and made everything ok again. it reminded me of a conversation that brian, jon, adrie, senyee and i had while we were in the hot tub on the ski trip. adrie senyee and i found our true friends in each other in high school, whereas traditionally, people connect with each other in a meaningful way at college. my high school experience with these girls was... let's say, less than traditional. we had crazy, crazy times in high school and we were always there for each other. some people dont find long lasting friendships until college, but we have each other and i feel like we always will.
at school, i feel i have no time at all for me. at home, i have nothing but time. time to reflect on home, family, my brother, my mom, etc. i have been doing my best to escape home since junior year of high school, and i am continuing to do that by going on trips i cant afford, with people who are trying to escape just the way i am. its incredibly comforting to be able to rely on someone to randomly decide to spend a few hours talking at dennys on christmas night when the holidays were getting me down. to have two people to share that with is truly a blessing. i have had quite a few lows in my life. and instead of abandoning me because i was a shitshow, my friends hunkered down and picked me up, stayed by me, and sweated out all of my destruction. i hurt them. i have been hurt by them. and the beauty is that somehow we realize that sometimes we all hurt each other because they are hurting too. and thats ok somehow.
......wow. this post got way more emotional than i expected. basically, this christmas was the best one ive had in a few years. and my friends made it happen for me. and im eternally thankful to have them in my life.
heres to my weird friends who really get me....
christmas wasn't so bad this year. i did the whole family function thing, basically i socialized a little and drank a lot of wine. i came home and immediately changed into my pajamas, and began IMing adrie and senyee. eventually all three of us were telling each other about some tough stuff we were going through at home. adrie said, "im bored, restless, and its still really early. i want to go out but nothings open" and i said "lets find a diner or something, we need to get out of here" and we convinced senyee to come too. adrie sprang into the car, and picked us both up, and we headed to Dennys for an overextended late night second dinner. it was glorious, we talked and laughed and chilled out for a few hours, eating dark chocolate truffles in celebration of us hating the holidays, and generally unwinding and enjoying each others company. adrie and i were still in our pajamas. eventually, i came home and bounded upstairs, unable to stop smiling.
just that few hours with my friends really relaxed me and made everything ok again. it reminded me of a conversation that brian, jon, adrie, senyee and i had while we were in the hot tub on the ski trip. adrie senyee and i found our true friends in each other in high school, whereas traditionally, people connect with each other in a meaningful way at college. my high school experience with these girls was... let's say, less than traditional. we had crazy, crazy times in high school and we were always there for each other. some people dont find long lasting friendships until college, but we have each other and i feel like we always will.
at school, i feel i have no time at all for me. at home, i have nothing but time. time to reflect on home, family, my brother, my mom, etc. i have been doing my best to escape home since junior year of high school, and i am continuing to do that by going on trips i cant afford, with people who are trying to escape just the way i am. its incredibly comforting to be able to rely on someone to randomly decide to spend a few hours talking at dennys on christmas night when the holidays were getting me down. to have two people to share that with is truly a blessing. i have had quite a few lows in my life. and instead of abandoning me because i was a shitshow, my friends hunkered down and picked me up, stayed by me, and sweated out all of my destruction. i hurt them. i have been hurt by them. and the beauty is that somehow we realize that sometimes we all hurt each other because they are hurting too. and thats ok somehow.
......wow. this post got way more emotional than i expected. basically, this christmas was the best one ive had in a few years. and my friends made it happen for me. and im eternally thankful to have them in my life.
heres to my weird friends who really get me....
Saturday, December 22, 2007
woo hoo
wow..... i am back from the best vacation i have had in a while. i went on a ski trip with 7 other people for the last 3 days, and i have to say that it was just what i needed. there were 3 people that were my best friends in the world for years, and there were 4 people that i really didn't know at all, so it was the perfect balance of getting to hang out with my best friends and hanging out with new, cool people.
among the highlights of the trip:
-being stranded in the car when it was too icy to get back up the driveway we came down; scary as hell at the time, but hilarious now
-the house; it was awesome! (once we found it)
-drinking the first night we were there
-epic drunk adventures through the snow
-the jacuzzi! soooooooo great!
-the pool!
-drinking in the jacuzzi and the pool!
-secret girltalk at every random opportunity :)
among the lowlights:
-i suck at skiing. seriously. im a miserable, walking bruise.
-there was one place to eat in miles
-we couldnt shoot pool at the lame ass bar
-we stayed for only 2 nights!!! sad times!
-we ended up in levittown instead of philadelphia when we came home
overall, KICKASS vacation, despite minor minor setbacks. i cant wait to go again! (if i decide to do that) it was just exactly the kind of thing that i needed.
yay contentment!
among the highlights of the trip:
-being stranded in the car when it was too icy to get back up the driveway we came down; scary as hell at the time, but hilarious now
-the house; it was awesome! (once we found it)
-drinking the first night we were there
-epic drunk adventures through the snow
-the jacuzzi! soooooooo great!
-the pool!
-drinking in the jacuzzi and the pool!
-secret girltalk at every random opportunity :)
among the lowlights:
-i suck at skiing. seriously. im a miserable, walking bruise.
-there was one place to eat in miles
-we couldnt shoot pool at the lame ass bar
-we stayed for only 2 nights!!! sad times!
-we ended up in levittown instead of philadelphia when we came home
overall, KICKASS vacation, despite minor minor setbacks. i cant wait to go again! (if i decide to do that) it was just exactly the kind of thing that i needed.
yay contentment!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
long time no update
so i figured after browsing everyone else blogs, i ought to update my own. it's only fair and all, considering i have yet to update for the entire semester.
looking back on fall '07 kind of depresses me. i feel like most of my time was spent running from one responsibility to the other, completely in autopilot. i never really stopped, or even slowed down to think to take care of myself and my own needs and wants. somewhere between VP business, BSM for Urinetown, internship at the DA's office, planning and executing the entire Haunted House, Writing Fellows, Writing Tutor, and work study in the English Department, i ended up with no free time.
go figure.
this resulted, as anyone who has seen me post Urinetown knows, in a chronic illness that just wouldn't quit. not only was i sick for about 3 weeks (which is outlandish) but i also ended up burning out by the last two weeks of the semester. i realized it the moment that i sat down to begin a few of the final papers that were due for my classes. i just kind of gazed at my walls with colorful post-it notes that were full of untouched to-do lists, looking at my trashcan and floor that was littered with finished to-do lists, and realized that my whole damn semester was full of things that i NEEDED to get done. not wanted to do. not always enjoyed doing. this realization came at a shitty time, because it made me extremely reluctant to finish my final papers for my classes. i ended up turning in one of them 24 hours late. which, at my mindset at the time, wasn't that big of a deal.
i ended up trying to spend as much time as i could doing whatever the hell i wanted to do in the last two weeks of school. i student rushed Peter Pan at the walnut street theatre. AMAZING! i went to a BYO and got drunk, two Tuesday nights in a row. Funnest thing ever! i made plans to go to the franklin institute drunk.... that didnt end up happening, but we did shots and watched Cabaret instead. which would have been awesome, had the movie not sucked.... liza minelli tried to save it, but failed. i went shopping on south street before sweeney todd and impulse-bought cute underwear! anyway, my point being, i milked everything that i could out of the time that i had. its sad that most of my leisure moments of the semester were found in December. i remember that most days of the week and weekends, i was so tired from my incredibly long, busy days, all i wanted to do was come home and relax, instead of do something fun. this depresses me.
my burnout for the semester is still killing me. i have a lot of stuff to accomplish over break, and im being languid at best in my efforts to tackle it. i feel really very pathetic. if all of my various positions are draining me, why do i do them? what do i really gain from kicking myself in the ass every day of the week?
the best i can do is make changes for the spring. and i've already made a good choice, i am pretty sure. i quit producer of the mavericks. i knew that i wouldn't be able to devote the time and effort that it deserves. i immediately knew that deferring this position to someone else was a good choice because the day after i quit, i noticed ads up for submitting scripts. i felt relieved. as much as i care about mavericks, and would have LOVED producing, i wasn't able to do it justice with all of the other crap i had swirling around in my life. john will do a fantastic job.
here's to recharging my batteries after draining them entirely...
looking back on fall '07 kind of depresses me. i feel like most of my time was spent running from one responsibility to the other, completely in autopilot. i never really stopped, or even slowed down to think to take care of myself and my own needs and wants. somewhere between VP business, BSM for Urinetown, internship at the DA's office, planning and executing the entire Haunted House, Writing Fellows, Writing Tutor, and work study in the English Department, i ended up with no free time.
go figure.
this resulted, as anyone who has seen me post Urinetown knows, in a chronic illness that just wouldn't quit. not only was i sick for about 3 weeks (which is outlandish) but i also ended up burning out by the last two weeks of the semester. i realized it the moment that i sat down to begin a few of the final papers that were due for my classes. i just kind of gazed at my walls with colorful post-it notes that were full of untouched to-do lists, looking at my trashcan and floor that was littered with finished to-do lists, and realized that my whole damn semester was full of things that i NEEDED to get done. not wanted to do. not always enjoyed doing. this realization came at a shitty time, because it made me extremely reluctant to finish my final papers for my classes. i ended up turning in one of them 24 hours late. which, at my mindset at the time, wasn't that big of a deal.
i ended up trying to spend as much time as i could doing whatever the hell i wanted to do in the last two weeks of school. i student rushed Peter Pan at the walnut street theatre. AMAZING! i went to a BYO and got drunk, two Tuesday nights in a row. Funnest thing ever! i made plans to go to the franklin institute drunk.... that didnt end up happening, but we did shots and watched Cabaret instead. which would have been awesome, had the movie not sucked.... liza minelli tried to save it, but failed. i went shopping on south street before sweeney todd and impulse-bought cute underwear! anyway, my point being, i milked everything that i could out of the time that i had. its sad that most of my leisure moments of the semester were found in December. i remember that most days of the week and weekends, i was so tired from my incredibly long, busy days, all i wanted to do was come home and relax, instead of do something fun. this depresses me.
my burnout for the semester is still killing me. i have a lot of stuff to accomplish over break, and im being languid at best in my efforts to tackle it. i feel really very pathetic. if all of my various positions are draining me, why do i do them? what do i really gain from kicking myself in the ass every day of the week?
the best i can do is make changes for the spring. and i've already made a good choice, i am pretty sure. i quit producer of the mavericks. i knew that i wouldn't be able to devote the time and effort that it deserves. i immediately knew that deferring this position to someone else was a good choice because the day after i quit, i noticed ads up for submitting scripts. i felt relieved. as much as i care about mavericks, and would have LOVED producing, i wasn't able to do it justice with all of the other crap i had swirling around in my life. john will do a fantastic job.
here's to recharging my batteries after draining them entirely...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Alive! with the glory of ....
...LOVE those song lyrics that dan posted in his profile! the song has been playing in my head for a few weeks now, and its kind of one of my favorite songs ever.
so i feel like everything in my life right now is pointing to the single phrase: "Welcome to the summer of awesome". and its only a sarcastic phrase like 10% of the time. the last month for me has been the most amazing that i've felt in an extremely long time, ie: like since high school. i've been active and traveling a hell of a lot. it feels like im in a different city every weekend, and sometimes in more than one city every weekend. brief synopsis on my adventures thus far:
- jack's mannequin concert kicked off the summer of awesome. the concert was AMAZING, only cost me five bucks and was followed by hysterical drunken adventures afterwards. also, the next day i waited in line for 45 minutes for a cheesesteak that rivaled Pat's.
- went to ocean city for a day. it was sooo awesome just to lie on the beach for a day and soak up some sun and just talk.
- joanna's grad party. really fun, just chilin', drinking, losing miserably at beer pong and meeting joanna's family and home friends.
- NYC with MC! SOOOO much fun....went shopping in chinatown, rode the NYC subway and the Long Island Railroad, had a cappuchino in little italy, bought awesome sunglasses and an amazing hat, played beer pong, two-tiered and otherwise, (Team Asian, undefeated!) got to watch a drunken shouting match between Mets fans and Yankees fans, and talked to random strangers on the train.
- went to ocean city for the night. played bet your liver with corona, tried to play drunk putt putt, but the places were closed, so i just ran on the beach and splashed ppl.
- went to jaime's grad party. was nice to see everyone again, and nice to leave once the drama got to be a little too much to bear.
whew! and those were just the weekends! during the week i work for the largest commercial real estate firm in the world, CB Richard Ellis, in Baltimore city. i really really like my job. its extremely fast paced and busy at times, while at others, i just kind of stare off into space and daydream about my weekend plans. im learning a lot and i am using computer programs that i have never used before. my favorite thing to do at work is create marketing flyers. i get to be creative and use some of my vocabulary to sell real estate. sounds boring to say it, but i enjoy it. i got a compliment on the first ad that i did, and i was really proud of it. the worst part of my job is having to figure out how to do stuff on the computer the hard way. i really like the people im working for too. they are really nice and very helpful and make conversation with me when they can. and at the end of the day when everyones getting off and getting antsy to go home, they start to talk about their outside lives and telling interesting risque stories, and i laugh at them.
in other news, i have a new boyfriend. hes amazing. im crazy about him and he makes me extremely happy. he was involved in most of my weekend adventures described above (all but NYC) and he makes my life fun.
this summer is truly turning out to be the best ive ever had. and its only been one month.
on the docket for the rest of the summer:
- TBA: MC is coming to baltimore! i'll show her all the cool stuff, it should take that long, then we can drink!
- TBA: im going back to NYC, as soon as i have some more money.
- TBA: going down to salisbury to visit kellie!!
- july 18 & 19: up to lasalle for director interviews
- july 20-22: Ocean city with adrie and senyee!!!! gonna be sooo much fun!!
- august 18: my cousins wedding! im so excited, i finally get to meet her husband!
- august 25: MCR CONCERT!!! Gonna be a fucking blast!!! cant wait!!!
everything is gonna be so good. i just cant wait for the rest of the summer, but at the same time, i dont want it to end.
good night world. i cant wait to wake up in the morning and just be happy to be having a great life.
so i feel like everything in my life right now is pointing to the single phrase: "Welcome to the summer of awesome". and its only a sarcastic phrase like 10% of the time. the last month for me has been the most amazing that i've felt in an extremely long time, ie: like since high school. i've been active and traveling a hell of a lot. it feels like im in a different city every weekend, and sometimes in more than one city every weekend. brief synopsis on my adventures thus far:
- jack's mannequin concert kicked off the summer of awesome. the concert was AMAZING, only cost me five bucks and was followed by hysterical drunken adventures afterwards. also, the next day i waited in line for 45 minutes for a cheesesteak that rivaled Pat's.
- went to ocean city for a day. it was sooo awesome just to lie on the beach for a day and soak up some sun and just talk.
- joanna's grad party. really fun, just chilin', drinking, losing miserably at beer pong and meeting joanna's family and home friends.
- NYC with MC! SOOOO much fun....went shopping in chinatown, rode the NYC subway and the Long Island Railroad, had a cappuchino in little italy, bought awesome sunglasses and an amazing hat, played beer pong, two-tiered and otherwise, (Team Asian, undefeated!) got to watch a drunken shouting match between Mets fans and Yankees fans, and talked to random strangers on the train.
- went to ocean city for the night. played bet your liver with corona, tried to play drunk putt putt, but the places were closed, so i just ran on the beach and splashed ppl.
- went to jaime's grad party. was nice to see everyone again, and nice to leave once the drama got to be a little too much to bear.
whew! and those were just the weekends! during the week i work for the largest commercial real estate firm in the world, CB Richard Ellis, in Baltimore city. i really really like my job. its extremely fast paced and busy at times, while at others, i just kind of stare off into space and daydream about my weekend plans. im learning a lot and i am using computer programs that i have never used before. my favorite thing to do at work is create marketing flyers. i get to be creative and use some of my vocabulary to sell real estate. sounds boring to say it, but i enjoy it. i got a compliment on the first ad that i did, and i was really proud of it. the worst part of my job is having to figure out how to do stuff on the computer the hard way. i really like the people im working for too. they are really nice and very helpful and make conversation with me when they can. and at the end of the day when everyones getting off and getting antsy to go home, they start to talk about their outside lives and telling interesting risque stories, and i laugh at them.
in other news, i have a new boyfriend. hes amazing. im crazy about him and he makes me extremely happy. he was involved in most of my weekend adventures described above (all but NYC) and he makes my life fun.
this summer is truly turning out to be the best ive ever had. and its only been one month.
on the docket for the rest of the summer:
- TBA: MC is coming to baltimore! i'll show her all the cool stuff, it should take that long, then we can drink!
- TBA: im going back to NYC, as soon as i have some more money.
- TBA: going down to salisbury to visit kellie!!
- july 18 & 19: up to lasalle for director interviews
- july 20-22: Ocean city with adrie and senyee!!!! gonna be sooo much fun!!
- august 18: my cousins wedding! im so excited, i finally get to meet her husband!
- august 25: MCR CONCERT!!! Gonna be a fucking blast!!! cant wait!!!
everything is gonna be so good. i just cant wait for the rest of the summer, but at the same time, i dont want it to end.
good night world. i cant wait to wake up in the morning and just be happy to be having a great life.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
an update...
...in outline form.
taking a bath, not a shower, in a tub, not a communal bathroom, for as long as i want = fucking awesome
my aunt's crab soup = amazing
my dad washing my sheets for me = yay!
having lots of boxes to unpack = boo...
watching heroes on madelines big TV instead of my small one = awesome!
not watching heroes with madeline = :(
calling her afterwards and filling her in on the episode = yay!
home cooked meal = yay!
queen-sized bed = awesome!
a long nap on said queen-sized bed = aaaaaamazing
eating chocolate icing out of the fridge = not good for me, but still good!
not having a job for the summer yet = good and bad
finally being able to relax = priceless.
taking a bath, not a shower, in a tub, not a communal bathroom, for as long as i want = fucking awesome
my aunt's crab soup = amazing
my dad washing my sheets for me = yay!
having lots of boxes to unpack = boo...
watching heroes on madelines big TV instead of my small one = awesome!
not watching heroes with madeline = :(
calling her afterwards and filling her in on the episode = yay!
home cooked meal = yay!
queen-sized bed = awesome!
a long nap on said queen-sized bed = aaaaaamazing
eating chocolate icing out of the fridge = not good for me, but still good!
not having a job for the summer yet = good and bad
finally being able to relax = priceless.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
favorite words
backstage, during philadelphia story, we were talking about our favorite words. i just thought of another one that i really really like; macabre. i dont know why, but i think it reveals a lot about my personality. i like it because its spelled not the way its said, so if you learned it by hearing it, you wouldnt know how to spell it, and if u learned it while reading it, you wouldnt know how to say it. plus i like the meaning of it too. i guess im just weird.
so glad the semester's winding down. not looking forward to going home, but im just sick of so much bullshit thats going on. like school for example. entirely done with school. speaking of which, i totally have a 7-10 page paper due tomorrow. its not done. i started it though. i've suddenly felt so over school. i mean, what does it really mean in the long term run of things? we're just paying a whole lot of money to play along in some huge constructed game of life. the most important things in life - love, family, things like that - have very little to do with succeeding in school at all. in fact, these things interfere with school so frequently.
unfortunately, im feeling so much better about life in general. i say its unfortunate because its nicely coincided with not caring about papers and projects and such. the second i begin to care about school again is the moment that my happiness disappears. isnt that what life is all about? denying ones own happiness to fulfill the expectations of someone else? yes yes. thats what our culture is teaching us.
wow im feeling so odd. its a great feeling but its a weird one. it might be bad too, since im not done my paper and its so late. eh, i seriously dont care though.
i like feeling good for once. i really got my head back on straight. theres no use getting all bogged down in the past. and theres no use in listening to anyone at all. after all, i know whats best for me all the time. and if im wrong, its ok, im only hurting myself. and i always get over everything. thats just how i am. i know whats important to me and i know what i have and what i dont. no more delusions. just purity. this is a really great feeling. i'll glad that i found it again, at least that someone had the kindness to give it back to me.
macabre..... he he he....
so glad the semester's winding down. not looking forward to going home, but im just sick of so much bullshit thats going on. like school for example. entirely done with school. speaking of which, i totally have a 7-10 page paper due tomorrow. its not done. i started it though. i've suddenly felt so over school. i mean, what does it really mean in the long term run of things? we're just paying a whole lot of money to play along in some huge constructed game of life. the most important things in life - love, family, things like that - have very little to do with succeeding in school at all. in fact, these things interfere with school so frequently.
unfortunately, im feeling so much better about life in general. i say its unfortunate because its nicely coincided with not caring about papers and projects and such. the second i begin to care about school again is the moment that my happiness disappears. isnt that what life is all about? denying ones own happiness to fulfill the expectations of someone else? yes yes. thats what our culture is teaching us.
wow im feeling so odd. its a great feeling but its a weird one. it might be bad too, since im not done my paper and its so late. eh, i seriously dont care though.
i like feeling good for once. i really got my head back on straight. theres no use getting all bogged down in the past. and theres no use in listening to anyone at all. after all, i know whats best for me all the time. and if im wrong, its ok, im only hurting myself. and i always get over everything. thats just how i am. i know whats important to me and i know what i have and what i dont. no more delusions. just purity. this is a really great feeling. i'll glad that i found it again, at least that someone had the kindness to give it back to me.
macabre..... he he he....
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
i was told to update
holy crap, i actually have a bit of free time? this is a complete accident. the beginnings of my week are usually so jam packed its a wonder i accomplish anything.
project appalachia is coming up! and so is baby week(s)! i'm so excited for both. im a bit worried though. i had a strange illness 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much incapacitated for a week. i rushed home to see a doctor and he gave me a tentative diagnosis of Meniere's disease. (google it). he has to do some testing to confirm it, but i had all the symptoms of an attack - severe vertigo, nausea, vomiting, and ringing fullness and loss of hearing in one ear. basically, hearing that scared me. in order to prevent another attack, i need to avoid caffiene, alcohol, stress, and get enough sleep every night and eat three full meals a day. basically, do everything thats contrary to my current lifestyle and schedule. im definitely terrified of another attack, i lost an entire week, a lot of school work, and was extremely weakened by the experience. i was so terrified that i missed so much of everything....the service trips auction, opening night of drawer boy, about 7 of my writing fellows appointments, things like that. it was an incredible struggle to go to drawer boy at all. i ignored my doctors orders and went back to school two days eariler that he recommended. i struggled to finish my two platforms for eboard and somehow stay on my feet during my week of recovery. my hearing is mostly returned but i still get dizzy if i turn my head to the right.
im really annoyed at this stupid thing. i dont need this in my life right now. i have a lot of responsibilities and am pretty busy with them all. im not very good at taking care of myself and this illness has already really gotten in the way! i feel like i missed so much, and im going to continue to miss things. for example i have to miss a production meeting for philadelphia story this thursday (!!!!) because im going home for the testing. this is incredily frustrating. i hate feeling worried that if i dont get enough sleep or skip a meal i will have an attack and will lose another week. just that one weekend really set me askew. i feel behind already and i hate that feeling!
i have been really worried about this, it came at such a weird time. im finally feeling happy and adjusted and recovered from the semester from hell (aka fall '06) and like i can really do anything i want to...i just feel a renewed sense of autonomy and comfort, like im just ok with the way life is going right now. then this attack happened, now i have to wonder if i need to incorporate a new set of habits into my lifestyle. will i be able to help at tech during hell week? will i be able to use power tools at project appalachia? will i be able to keep up with all my work in my classes and AD the one act, and do tech for philadelphia story, and take a kid for the masque, and learn all the responsibilities of VP business, and keep myself healthy enough to not have any more attacks? is something i really need to take seriously? im just glad that this didnt happen during J & H. what a shitshow that would have been. what would have happened if i had gotten sick then? what if i get sick during finals week?
the biggest blessing out of this is that i have really supportive friends that are there for me when i need help and care about me when something happens. its really humbling having four ppl help me walk down the hall and helping me into my dads car holding my barf bag the whole time. but it really made me appreciate what i have. if it werent for a good friend at my computer, sending out emails that i was dictating in between vomiting into a trash can, i wouldnt have been able to let anyone know what was going on with me. many people asked me if i was ok when i showed up for drawer boy performances, and granted, i couldnt hear them very well, but i appreciated their concern. i guess i tend to stress my friends out when i do stubborn things like try to push myself when im weak, but im sorry, its in my nature. i never know when to say no or take care of myself. i guess thats what this experience is supposed to teach me.
well here goes. i have testing this friday, leaving on thursday after class, and trying hard to return to lasalle in time for my lab on friday morning. we'll see how that goes.
good night world
project appalachia is coming up! and so is baby week(s)! i'm so excited for both. im a bit worried though. i had a strange illness 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much incapacitated for a week. i rushed home to see a doctor and he gave me a tentative diagnosis of Meniere's disease. (google it). he has to do some testing to confirm it, but i had all the symptoms of an attack - severe vertigo, nausea, vomiting, and ringing fullness and loss of hearing in one ear. basically, hearing that scared me. in order to prevent another attack, i need to avoid caffiene, alcohol, stress, and get enough sleep every night and eat three full meals a day. basically, do everything thats contrary to my current lifestyle and schedule. im definitely terrified of another attack, i lost an entire week, a lot of school work, and was extremely weakened by the experience. i was so terrified that i missed so much of everything....the service trips auction, opening night of drawer boy, about 7 of my writing fellows appointments, things like that. it was an incredible struggle to go to drawer boy at all. i ignored my doctors orders and went back to school two days eariler that he recommended. i struggled to finish my two platforms for eboard and somehow stay on my feet during my week of recovery. my hearing is mostly returned but i still get dizzy if i turn my head to the right.
im really annoyed at this stupid thing. i dont need this in my life right now. i have a lot of responsibilities and am pretty busy with them all. im not very good at taking care of myself and this illness has already really gotten in the way! i feel like i missed so much, and im going to continue to miss things. for example i have to miss a production meeting for philadelphia story this thursday (!!!!) because im going home for the testing. this is incredily frustrating. i hate feeling worried that if i dont get enough sleep or skip a meal i will have an attack and will lose another week. just that one weekend really set me askew. i feel behind already and i hate that feeling!
i have been really worried about this, it came at such a weird time. im finally feeling happy and adjusted and recovered from the semester from hell (aka fall '06) and like i can really do anything i want to...i just feel a renewed sense of autonomy and comfort, like im just ok with the way life is going right now. then this attack happened, now i have to wonder if i need to incorporate a new set of habits into my lifestyle. will i be able to help at tech during hell week? will i be able to use power tools at project appalachia? will i be able to keep up with all my work in my classes and AD the one act, and do tech for philadelphia story, and take a kid for the masque, and learn all the responsibilities of VP business, and keep myself healthy enough to not have any more attacks? is something i really need to take seriously? im just glad that this didnt happen during J & H. what a shitshow that would have been. what would have happened if i had gotten sick then? what if i get sick during finals week?
the biggest blessing out of this is that i have really supportive friends that are there for me when i need help and care about me when something happens. its really humbling having four ppl help me walk down the hall and helping me into my dads car holding my barf bag the whole time. but it really made me appreciate what i have. if it werent for a good friend at my computer, sending out emails that i was dictating in between vomiting into a trash can, i wouldnt have been able to let anyone know what was going on with me. many people asked me if i was ok when i showed up for drawer boy performances, and granted, i couldnt hear them very well, but i appreciated their concern. i guess i tend to stress my friends out when i do stubborn things like try to push myself when im weak, but im sorry, its in my nature. i never know when to say no or take care of myself. i guess thats what this experience is supposed to teach me.
well here goes. i have testing this friday, leaving on thursday after class, and trying hard to return to lasalle in time for my lab on friday morning. we'll see how that goes.
good night world
Thursday, January 11, 2007
ho hum
laundry in the dryer, nothing new or fascinating on facebook, no one in the house. what is there to do? i've been hesitating on doing the 15 people thing. i think its a great idea in theory, for other people, but i dont know if it will work out that well for me. i tend to say things too harshly and offend people without wanting to. i guess the only remedy would be to keep things brief and light hearted. all the angry stuff i say will be brief. well here goes nothing:
1) i really respect you but sometimes i think you are missing out on life. i worry about you. you do this tunnel vision thing where you focus on the bad part and fail to see the bigger picture. i wish you knew how lucky you are and how much i envy you, in a good way!
2) i wish you and i were closer friends. you're awesome and i wish i could be more like you.
3) i'm really glad that you and i got to be better friends this semester. you have the brutal honesty and the consistancy of character that i strive for. talking with you has really helped me out a lot and i wish you knew how much it meant to me. i have a sneaking suspicion that you will be too busy to talk to me in the spring but i have accepted that. i wish you were more comfortable telling me more about yourself.
4) i miss you like whoa. you are seriously the highlight of my day when i do get a chance to hang out with you. be around more!
5) you're awesome and i wish that you and i spent more time together. you seem so cute and innocent but you have this deceptive streak of sarcasm that lights up my life. im jealous that you're prettier than me sometimes. i promise we will have more bonding time this spring!
6) im worried about you. you have changed and i dont know if i am ok with it. i always tried to protect you but now i cant anymore and it kills me. you seem to be very mad at me whenever we hang out. did i do something? why do you hate me so much? i want to fix us.
7) i'm pretty much crazy about you. you are there for me when i need to rant and you take care of me when i'm too retarded to take care of myself. you and i have bonded so much over the last two years and i cherish that deeply. i wish you could feel complete without wanting a guy in your life. but i still want you to have one!
8) stop hurting my best friend. you piss me off.
9) i have a love hate thing with you. sometimes i talk smack about you but i have a great deal of admiration for you. trust me i would never say this to your face. sometimes i wonder "what if" but that is quickly squelshed by reality. your cool, and annoying, and nice, and nasty at times. and i like that. keep it up.
10) i like talking to you and im glad that were friends but at times you can be extremely arrogant.
11) sometimes you hate me, sometimes you can tolerate me. i cant stand how back and forth you are with me. i put up with it for years but i've lost patience for it. i miss the way you used to be, before the world got to you. go back inside your bubble where you were safe from the shitty world that you have to live in. i miss the old you.
12) i will never forgive you. ever.
13) i miss you the most. you seem to be the only one who gets me without even trying. you and i were always partners in crime and we have so many secrets that i treasure. my goal was to spend more time with you last semester and i sucked hardcore at it. i just wish that you and i didnt live in such polar opposite worlds. i want us to be the way we always were. i need you in my life and at my lowest and highest points, i think of you and realize it the most. i wish i could trust you enough to tell you everything.
14) i think i have you figured out. i hope i'm right...
15) you. ah, you... you're a coward. get over yourself.
hm that was a lot easier than it looks. if you think you see yourself in this list, take a guess at which one you are.
1) i really respect you but sometimes i think you are missing out on life. i worry about you. you do this tunnel vision thing where you focus on the bad part and fail to see the bigger picture. i wish you knew how lucky you are and how much i envy you, in a good way!
2) i wish you and i were closer friends. you're awesome and i wish i could be more like you.
3) i'm really glad that you and i got to be better friends this semester. you have the brutal honesty and the consistancy of character that i strive for. talking with you has really helped me out a lot and i wish you knew how much it meant to me. i have a sneaking suspicion that you will be too busy to talk to me in the spring but i have accepted that. i wish you were more comfortable telling me more about yourself.
4) i miss you like whoa. you are seriously the highlight of my day when i do get a chance to hang out with you. be around more!
5) you're awesome and i wish that you and i spent more time together. you seem so cute and innocent but you have this deceptive streak of sarcasm that lights up my life. im jealous that you're prettier than me sometimes. i promise we will have more bonding time this spring!
6) im worried about you. you have changed and i dont know if i am ok with it. i always tried to protect you but now i cant anymore and it kills me. you seem to be very mad at me whenever we hang out. did i do something? why do you hate me so much? i want to fix us.
7) i'm pretty much crazy about you. you are there for me when i need to rant and you take care of me when i'm too retarded to take care of myself. you and i have bonded so much over the last two years and i cherish that deeply. i wish you could feel complete without wanting a guy in your life. but i still want you to have one!
8) stop hurting my best friend. you piss me off.
9) i have a love hate thing with you. sometimes i talk smack about you but i have a great deal of admiration for you. trust me i would never say this to your face. sometimes i wonder "what if" but that is quickly squelshed by reality. your cool, and annoying, and nice, and nasty at times. and i like that. keep it up.
10) i like talking to you and im glad that were friends but at times you can be extremely arrogant.
11) sometimes you hate me, sometimes you can tolerate me. i cant stand how back and forth you are with me. i put up with it for years but i've lost patience for it. i miss the way you used to be, before the world got to you. go back inside your bubble where you were safe from the shitty world that you have to live in. i miss the old you.
12) i will never forgive you. ever.
13) i miss you the most. you seem to be the only one who gets me without even trying. you and i were always partners in crime and we have so many secrets that i treasure. my goal was to spend more time with you last semester and i sucked hardcore at it. i just wish that you and i didnt live in such polar opposite worlds. i want us to be the way we always were. i need you in my life and at my lowest and highest points, i think of you and realize it the most. i wish i could trust you enough to tell you everything.
14) i think i have you figured out. i hope i'm right...
15) you. ah, you... you're a coward. get over yourself.
hm that was a lot easier than it looks. if you think you see yourself in this list, take a guess at which one you are.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Leave a comment with your name and:
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST.
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
so i got my first A of the semester on a paper back from dainton today. can u believe it? november and its my first A? as awful as that sounds, im so glad that ive finally gotten a decent grade in one of my challenging classes. i feel like things are finally starting to pick up, at least my mood is. my spirits have lifted and im much less mopey recently. like, ive actually had some genuine good moods. :) im happy that ive gotten to a comfortable place like this in my life. im actually okay with the way things are and im incredibly relieved that i can say that with conviction.
as content as i am, im still hella stressed about the end of the year and all the projects i still have to accomplish. luckily i have a renewed sense of myself with which to tackle the massive onslaught of work i have to do within the next two weeks.
well, time to stop dicking around and start that paper i have been griping about for a week. wish me luck!
as content as i am, im still hella stressed about the end of the year and all the projects i still have to accomplish. luckily i have a renewed sense of myself with which to tackle the massive onslaught of work i have to do within the next two weeks.
well, time to stop dicking around and start that paper i have been griping about for a week. wish me luck!
Friday, November 24, 2006
today was a very good day. i was very surprised that it was such, but it really was. for those of you that know me very closely, you might know that i am not the hugest fan of my family, but it only caused by one person, my brother. he has been pretty much cool with me for the past 48 hours i have been home, which is a record. this means that home for me has been basically the most awesome thing ever. i feel like i can finally breathe again! its great!
tomorrow im going shopping with adrie and senyee, which i am super pumped about! not too keen about getting up at 7 am, but whatev. last year i got 100% of my christmas shopping done on black friday, so im aiming for a repeat performance of that.
my mom found out about my belly button ring today. it wasnt as big as a problem as i thought it would be. my cousin, in seventh grade, said "hey ur belly button is pierced" and my mom glances over and says "let me see," called my a ho, and that was it. not too bad.
time to try to sleep early. happy thanksgiving, limited readers!
tomorrow im going shopping with adrie and senyee, which i am super pumped about! not too keen about getting up at 7 am, but whatev. last year i got 100% of my christmas shopping done on black friday, so im aiming for a repeat performance of that.
my mom found out about my belly button ring today. it wasnt as big as a problem as i thought it would be. my cousin, in seventh grade, said "hey ur belly button is pierced" and my mom glances over and says "let me see," called my a ho, and that was it. not too bad.
time to try to sleep early. happy thanksgiving, limited readers!
Monday, November 13, 2006
whew! what a weekend. part of me is so glad its over with and part of me is missing it already. theres such a glorious adrenaline rush associated with doing a show. the moment where you have goosebumps and you hope the audience does too, or its your favorite part and your rapt with attention, and that shocking silence that is pierced with the first person's applause. hearing greg on the headset saying "one person standing, two, three, four, too many to count" is incredibly satisfying, its the best high in the world.
hell week however, i dont miss so much. there is so much work that i have to catch up and i am emotionally and physically EXHAUSATED. no will to live left. i will have to find some to catch up on the midterm that was due on friday!
wish me luck
hell week however, i dont miss so much. there is so much work that i have to catch up and i am emotionally and physically EXHAUSATED. no will to live left. i will have to find some to catch up on the midterm that was due on friday!
wish me luck
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
