go find your spark, and get happy

i resolved that i would blog more often than i have been. and i have also resolved only to blog when i am happy. luckily, as things are seemingly turning out so far, happiness is definitely occurring, and therefore, blogging can follow. :)

this semester is such a complete change of pace for me. this is the first time i haven't had a "middle show" to work on and that is kind of bizarre. there's this empty gap in my day that usually tech or something would occupy, but luckily that starts up soon.

my schedule so far is kind of awesome. i have lots of work but lots of time to get it all done. i'm mostly on top/ahead of everything that i need to do on a daily basis, which is delightfully different from what i'm used to. i spend shit tons of time in the english department, which i never had time for last semester. this means two really good things happen. 1) i read for classes when i am awake and therefore retain more knowledge and 2) i schmooze with my teachers. oh just kidding three things: 3) i GET PAID more!

so much about my life is a lot more chill this semester. last fall was wayyyyyy too busy. i totally overworked myself to the point of exhaustion. having the internship twice a week was a little too much. i had a normal amount of work and half the time to do it in. also, less time spent in a paying job meant less income, which meant less money for fun and recreation. i feel infinitely more free, even though my course load is much more this semester. i think its because im genuinely enthusiastic and loving what i do now. im enamored with every single of my classes this semester, and i look forward to going to all of them. what an awesome feeling, just to really feel a deeply excited about the classes im taking.....

i cant help but notice that this wonderful euphoria happens in a time in my life when im single. for the first time in 5 years, i am ACTUALLY single! what a phenomenon!!! i think my new year's resolution of "i dont wanna be in love" is the best idea ive ever had! i've never had so much confidence in myself, so much energy, and been so relaxed before. i've taken to wandering the city on the weekends by myself, just to walk and experience the sights and sounds and the ambiance of life. these moments of me just being are incredibly life affirming. how wonderful it is to be young, and alive, and just blessed with such great friends and ample opportunities to seize and savor. i haven't felt genuinely happy and comfortable since.... i wanna say sophomore year of high school.

am i weird for being happy and being single? life tells us that we should be happy when we are in a relationship. i guess i experienced relative happiness while in relationships... but maybe im a narcissist, and only i can make me truly happy.

i hope im not doomed to never having a family or anything because i've come to think of relationships as a negative thing. hopefully i'll outgrow my free spirit and be a typical girl eventually and whine about wanting a boyfriend and then when i get one, whine about him not wanting to marry me, and when/if he does, then i can progress to whining about him not being a good husband. i mean......i guess i assume i'll eventually want to "settle down" but a part of me is terrified that i won't. maybe this is who i am and how i will be as an adult - unhappy unless alone.

ah, that's too far away to worry about right now. all i should think about is this paper i need to write!

happy posts make me glad. good night everyone (which is no one since no one reads)!

PS: i dont care enough to post answers to the music quiz. my fear of commitment permeates so deep, i cant even follow up on that. :)