one year ago....

there are a MILLION things on my mind. so much going on at this point in the semester. I'm loving it.

this week has made me feel a lot of things that i need to sort out in an informal way. one year ago something changed my life. and this week, i had this strange deja vu on several instances that really made me pause and kind of get nostalgic.

deja vu number one:
i was giving dr. franson a tour of the theatre in order to get him acquainted with the space for his acting workshop. no, he didnt give the acting workshop last year. but he mentioned, "oh yes, mark gave me this tour last year before i was hired." i said, "i was supposed to give that tour along with him. funny story about that." what i didnt add was, that was the weekend i got sick.

deja vu number two:
the lasallian service trips auction. kate called me and asked if i was going and i had forgotten about it. i came home and decided to go along with madeline. when i went, i saw all the people who had to work it because they were going on service trips. i remembered, last year i was supposed to work it. but, that was the weekend i got sick.

deja vu number three:
it started flurrying earlier today. i thought about valentines day last year, which happened to be the BEST DAY EVER because it was valentines day, and it was a snow day. this also brought back a huge wave of deja vu. last years valentines day was the best ive ever had. it happened before i got sick.

anyway, im sure its obvious by now im going to reflect on me getting sick. so much has happened to me since i got diagnosed with Meniere's disease. my entire year was tinged with this nagging, annoying thing that i sometimes had to pay attention to but i've largely kept a secret from anyone who didn't need to know.

i will never forget how it happened, how i felt. i lost my hearing on a wednesday night. it happened strangely. i was playing cards with madeline at john's townhouse and i realized i couldnt hear out of my right ear any longer. i had no idea what to do about it, it was so random and bizarre. the next morning i still couldnt hear, so i took the morning off of work and classes and laid down. i woke up at 12:00 and was terrified. i couldnt move. i was soooo dizzy and nauseated. i had no idea what was wrong with me. i called john, he brought me lunch. i couldnt eat it. while he was there, i started throwing up uncontrollably. it was then that i called my mom begging to take me home. i was panicking, i had no idea what was wrong, i felt like i was going to die. after i threw up for a while, and dictated emails to john to tell my writing fellows students that i couldnt meet with them because i was deathly ill, i went to bed again. my dad came to get me three hours later, but i was so sick i couldnt get out of bed to pack to go home. i had no idea what to do. i was alone in my room. i lied on the floor, unable to move because i was so dizzy. i called kristen. she showed up at my room with kate, mary clare, and madeline. the four of them got a bag packed for me and carried me to my dad. i threw up the whole car ride home. i went to bed when i got home, and i remember distinctly, a clear crystallizing moment. it was friday morning. (i got sick on a thursday.) i was half awake, drowsily coming around. i was aware of silence. then, loud, pounding, resounding, oppressive ringing in my right ear. i havent heard silence, ever, since. i miss it.

having this sickness has been really wierd. its not something that affects me every day. but its always there. every day, all day, when i wake til when i sleep, constantly a noise in my right ear. my hearing hasnt completely recovered. some days its horrible, other days barely noticeable. i take care of myself better now, mostly. its just weird to realize that a year ago this happened and everything changed as a result. i thought about the people in my life then, and what they mean to me now. i think about what i was looking forward to then, what im looking forward to now.

so much crazy shit going on in the future. what the hell will i think to myself about in one year from now?

go find your spark, and get happy

i resolved that i would blog more often than i have been. and i have also resolved only to blog when i am happy. luckily, as things are seemingly turning out so far, happiness is definitely occurring, and therefore, blogging can follow. :)

this semester is such a complete change of pace for me. this is the first time i haven't had a "middle show" to work on and that is kind of bizarre. there's this empty gap in my day that usually tech or something would occupy, but luckily that starts up soon.

my schedule so far is kind of awesome. i have lots of work but lots of time to get it all done. i'm mostly on top/ahead of everything that i need to do on a daily basis, which is delightfully different from what i'm used to. i spend shit tons of time in the english department, which i never had time for last semester. this means two really good things happen. 1) i read for classes when i am awake and therefore retain more knowledge and 2) i schmooze with my teachers. oh just kidding three things: 3) i GET PAID more!

so much about my life is a lot more chill this semester. last fall was wayyyyyy too busy. i totally overworked myself to the point of exhaustion. having the internship twice a week was a little too much. i had a normal amount of work and half the time to do it in. also, less time spent in a paying job meant less income, which meant less money for fun and recreation. i feel infinitely more free, even though my course load is much more this semester. i think its because im genuinely enthusiastic and loving what i do now. im enamored with every single of my classes this semester, and i look forward to going to all of them. what an awesome feeling, just to really feel a deeply excited about the classes im taking.....

i cant help but notice that this wonderful euphoria happens in a time in my life when im single. for the first time in 5 years, i am ACTUALLY single! what a phenomenon!!! i think my new year's resolution of "i dont wanna be in love" is the best idea ive ever had! i've never had so much confidence in myself, so much energy, and been so relaxed before. i've taken to wandering the city on the weekends by myself, just to walk and experience the sights and sounds and the ambiance of life. these moments of me just being are incredibly life affirming. how wonderful it is to be young, and alive, and just blessed with such great friends and ample opportunities to seize and savor. i haven't felt genuinely happy and comfortable since.... i wanna say sophomore year of high school.

am i weird for being happy and being single? life tells us that we should be happy when we are in a relationship. i guess i experienced relative happiness while in relationships... but maybe im a narcissist, and only i can make me truly happy.

i hope im not doomed to never having a family or anything because i've come to think of relationships as a negative thing. hopefully i'll outgrow my free spirit and be a typical girl eventually and whine about wanting a boyfriend and then when i get one, whine about him not wanting to marry me, and when/if he does, then i can progress to whining about him not being a good husband. i mean......i guess i assume i'll eventually want to "settle down" but a part of me is terrified that i won't. maybe this is who i am and how i will be as an adult - unhappy unless alone.

ah, that's too far away to worry about right now. all i should think about is this paper i need to write!

happy posts make me glad. good night everyone (which is no one since no one reads)!

PS: i dont care enough to post answers to the music quiz. my fear of commitment permeates so deep, i cant even follow up on that. :)