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so i got my first A of the semester on a paper back from dainton today. can u believe it? november and its my first A? as awful as that sounds, im so glad that ive finally gotten a decent grade in one of my challenging classes. i feel like things are finally starting to pick up, at least my mood is. my spirits have lifted and im much less mopey recently. like, ive actually had some genuine good moods. :) im happy that ive gotten to a comfortable place like this in my life. im actually okay with the way things are and im incredibly relieved that i can say that with conviction.

as content as i am, im still hella stressed about the end of the year and all the projects i still have to accomplish. luckily i have a renewed sense of myself with which to tackle the massive onslaught of work i have to do within the next two weeks.

well, time to stop dicking around and start that paper i have been griping about for a week. wish me luck!

today was a very good day. i was very surprised that it was such, but it really was. for those of you that know me very closely, you might know that i am not the hugest fan of my family, but it only caused by one person, my brother. he has been pretty much cool with me for the past 48 hours i have been home, which is a record. this means that home for me has been basically the most awesome thing ever. i feel like i can finally breathe again! its great!

tomorrow im going shopping with adrie and senyee, which i am super pumped about! not too keen about getting up at 7 am, but whatev. last year i got 100% of my christmas shopping done on black friday, so im aiming for a repeat performance of that.

my mom found out about my belly button ring today. it wasnt as big as a problem as i thought it would be. my cousin, in seventh grade, said "hey ur belly button is pierced" and my mom glances over and says "let me see," called my a ho, and that was it. not too bad.

time to try to sleep early. happy thanksgiving, limited readers!

whew! what a weekend. part of me is so glad its over with and part of me is missing it already. theres such a glorious adrenaline rush associated with doing a show. the moment where you have goosebumps and you hope the audience does too, or its your favorite part and your rapt with attention, and that shocking silence that is pierced with the first person's applause. hearing greg on the headset saying "one person standing, two, three, four, too many to count" is incredibly satisfying, its the best high in the world.

hell week however, i dont miss so much. there is so much work that i have to catch up and i am emotionally and physically EXHAUSATED. no will to live left. i will have to find some to catch up on the midterm that was due on friday!

wish me luck

i have never felt so completely defeated before. i've always felt like the harder i try to get something done, the more chance of success is ensured. i guess not everything is like that.

i go out of my way to never look or feel like i am weak. i do my best to do my job, but most of the time it is at the expense of taking care of myself. as terrified as i am about the show not going well, i feel alone in my misery. i know that a lot of people are as worried as i am, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel no support in what i am doing.

i think that the lowest ive felt so far this school year was when the person that i care about the most, that i always used to rely on for support, could look at me in the face, watch me cry, and do nothing about it. theres a difference between "tough love" and apathy, and that transition has already occured.

i never felt like i was one of those people that catered to the opinions of others or even needed approval from anyone else. i don't need a huge group of friends around me 24/7, i dont need to attend a huge party every weekend with EVERYONE there, i dont need to hear that im awesome all the time. my self esteem does not rely on whether or not people like me. i like to pick one group, one circle of friends, and one special person to share my life with.

in fact, one of my bigger flaws is that i sometimes have problems relating to others, and i tend to do my own thing rather than do what others want or feel is best. something i've had to deal with my whole life is when people take what i say the wrong way. its not a unique problem, ive gotten used to the fact that i come across the wrong way a lot of the time.

maybe some of this will all be over after the show. but a lot of it existed before i even came back to school. not a lot of my friends at school know this, but over the summer i was strongly considering dropping out. every single person i've talked to told me this was a horrible idea, people from all walks of life. but, stubborn and stupid as i am, i dont listen to others when i should. registration is next week, and i am caught again with thoughts of not returning to Lasalle. its not that i dont like it here, i just dont feel like i belong. whenever im here, i have to play a part - go to class, go to work, go to meetings, get caught up in drama with friends, have a ridiculously busy schedule. its exhausting. do i really want to burn myself out like this? sometimes i feel like i cant take how social college is. theres no time to take care of myself, because i always feel like im supposed to be someplace else taking care of something else.

i used to have it all together. last year was one of the most blissful years of my life. wheres that girl who had everything under control? or at least was able to fake it? i had a system of primary support, and now its gone, and i havent adjusted yet. and its all my fault isnt it?

so last night's haunted house was such a blast! i was so happy when it came together and became something so impressive. shows that we can actually get shit done and be proud of ourselves when we all put effort into it. i was genuinely surprised that so many people showed up, and im so glad that all our hard work paid off. :)

now lets do a kick ass job for jekyll & hyde!!!

hm cant decide if i want to sleep, eat, or write a paper that was due yesterday.....choices choices.

ok, so there's a costume ball going on next tuesday, and i kinda wanna go, but i don't know what to dress up as.

what should i be?

comments please?

awesome:

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=QnOfDiamnds418

go to it!

Random thoughts:

Things I Like-
1) chinese food
2) weekends
3) good music
4) talking late at night
5) cutting up onions to put in spaghetti sauce
6) eating something that i cooked
7) eating something that john cooked
8) using alcohol to solve my problems
9) being proud of myself
10) singing
11) when someone else can somehow make me smile
12) diner runs
13) staying up really late in the lounge and just talking for hours
14) being too busy to think
15) being away from "home"
16) warm weather and the fourth of july

Things I Don't Like-
1) procrastination
2) feeling uncertain
3) losing control
4) when people don't know what they want
5) when i don't know what i want
6) getting accosted on the subway and feeling powerless to do anything about it
7) rain!
8) 9 am classes after 3 am diner runs
9) being too short to see in crowds :( ....shut up its a problem
10) insincere smiles....both giving and receiving them
11) when i'm not allowed to express my opinion
12) when i'm misjudged...all the time
13) being POOR!
14) feeling like no one on this campus really relates to me
15) doing my own laundry
16) cold weather and christmas

Things I Miss-
1) 8th grade...what a fun year
2) having DI until 7pm and never wanting to leave
3) room 224 and all it meant to me in sophomore year
4) basil 330 and all it meant to me last year
5) having a group of friend who knew me inside and out, but didnt judge me inappropriately
6) being completely happy for no reason at all
7) being able to say "i love you" whenever i felt like it
8) when my hair was an unnatural color
9) having a plan
10) scheming
11) seeing the future and being able to change it
12) baltimore radio stations!
13) not having to make dinner or walk to go get it
14) snow days
15) my dog
16) that wall in my bedroom at home that everyone signed

Things I Don't Miss-
1) my family (sorry, its true)
2) feeling guilty for things that were important to me
3) high school
4) coming in at 2 in the morning every night and getting up for school at 6:30
5) shane
6) dundalk
7) baltimore in general
8) lying to my parents all the time
9) being a waitress
10) hating my life and feeling unable to change it
11) hearing the yelling before i even enter my house
12) sneaking out, sneaking back in, and no one even noticing or caring where i was for 6 hours
13) arguments with my mom
14) being hungry
15) hating the way i look
16) math class

after my important self-discovery that i do indeed know the alphabet, mary ellen and i have discussed at length the science of procrastination......instead of doing work. how does procrastination affect GPA? do students procrastinate more on short term assignments or long-term ones? what kind of students procrastinate? how does dislike or like of the class or professor relate to procrastination on assignments? how does class difficulty affect procrastination?

i smell an honors project!

honors students unite.

i heart us.

yes yes yes there will always be homework im not doing but if everyone dropped everything and did their papers and assignments and chem labs on time then we would all miss out on all of life because the homework will never end. but life will.

1:30 am? why do i only come alive so late at night? its such a paradox to me that my energy levels are inverted when it comes to daylight. maybe i belong in alaska. one of the things i have always wanted to see is the aureora boralis. wanna know why? all the pictures i have ever seen of it look fake as hell. i cant believe anything i see through the media these days. what with photoshop and all. i can create anything i want to see with enough computer knowhow. why cant that skill translate into real life?

they should make pills that make you make good choices instead of liquids that make you make bad ones. im going to make it my top priority to invent that. just let me stumble through life a bit first.

i keep telling myself that one day it will get better. the "real world" will hit me all at once like coming out into the open night air after being trapped in a stuffy basement for 21 years. but honestly thats just a naive invention of todays society. were not safe here, were not hiding, were not sheltered in our little dorm rooms and fake cafeteria food. were festering. were rotting. were wasting our time in here, working hard for nothing and not having time to breathe.

what lets you breathe? what lets you see? what lets you be at ease? that should be what you spend your time on. not homework.

with that note....i have some assignments to finish.

so instead of actually doing my paper, i decided it would be great to create a blog instead. no telling whether or not i will actually update this at all but its here for me in case i ever want to. basically i got bored with reading everyone elses so i figured id write about stuff i care about - me. im so conceited, i love it.

this paper does not seem to be going so well. at least i got laundry done today! i like clean clothes. ive been very disappointed in myself recently. ive gotten two papers back for the year and both were B-. this significantly pissed me off because i am a fucking writing tutor AND a writing fellow and i cant even take care of my own papers. as you can see, im working so hard to rectify this situation right now.

i have a feeling this blog is going to be all kinds of dark and depressing. i think i like that.