so i got my first A of the semester on a paper back from dainton today. can u believe it? november and its my first A? as awful as that sounds, im so glad that ive finally gotten a decent grade in one of my challenging classes. i feel like things are finally starting to pick up, at least my mood is. my spirits have lifted and im much less mopey recently. like, ive actually had some genuine good moods. :) im happy that ive gotten to a comfortable place like this in my life. im actually okay with the way things are and im incredibly relieved that i can say that with conviction.

as content as i am, im still hella stressed about the end of the year and all the projects i still have to accomplish. luckily i have a renewed sense of myself with which to tackle the massive onslaught of work i have to do within the next two weeks.

well, time to stop dicking around and start that paper i have been griping about for a week. wish me luck!

today was a very good day. i was very surprised that it was such, but it really was. for those of you that know me very closely, you might know that i am not the hugest fan of my family, but it only caused by one person, my brother. he has been pretty much cool with me for the past 48 hours i have been home, which is a record. this means that home for me has been basically the most awesome thing ever. i feel like i can finally breathe again! its great!

tomorrow im going shopping with adrie and senyee, which i am super pumped about! not too keen about getting up at 7 am, but whatev. last year i got 100% of my christmas shopping done on black friday, so im aiming for a repeat performance of that.

my mom found out about my belly button ring today. it wasnt as big as a problem as i thought it would be. my cousin, in seventh grade, said "hey ur belly button is pierced" and my mom glances over and says "let me see," called my a ho, and that was it. not too bad.

time to try to sleep early. happy thanksgiving, limited readers!

whew! what a weekend. part of me is so glad its over with and part of me is missing it already. theres such a glorious adrenaline rush associated with doing a show. the moment where you have goosebumps and you hope the audience does too, or its your favorite part and your rapt with attention, and that shocking silence that is pierced with the first person's applause. hearing greg on the headset saying "one person standing, two, three, four, too many to count" is incredibly satisfying, its the best high in the world.

hell week however, i dont miss so much. there is so much work that i have to catch up and i am emotionally and physically EXHAUSATED. no will to live left. i will have to find some to catch up on the midterm that was due on friday!

wish me luck

i have never felt so completely defeated before. i've always felt like the harder i try to get something done, the more chance of success is ensured. i guess not everything is like that.

i go out of my way to never look or feel like i am weak. i do my best to do my job, but most of the time it is at the expense of taking care of myself. as terrified as i am about the show not going well, i feel alone in my misery. i know that a lot of people are as worried as i am, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel no support in what i am doing.

i think that the lowest ive felt so far this school year was when the person that i care about the most, that i always used to rely on for support, could look at me in the face, watch me cry, and do nothing about it. theres a difference between "tough love" and apathy, and that transition has already occured.

i never felt like i was one of those people that catered to the opinions of others or even needed approval from anyone else. i don't need a huge group of friends around me 24/7, i dont need to attend a huge party every weekend with EVERYONE there, i dont need to hear that im awesome all the time. my self esteem does not rely on whether or not people like me. i like to pick one group, one circle of friends, and one special person to share my life with.

in fact, one of my bigger flaws is that i sometimes have problems relating to others, and i tend to do my own thing rather than do what others want or feel is best. something i've had to deal with my whole life is when people take what i say the wrong way. its not a unique problem, ive gotten used to the fact that i come across the wrong way a lot of the time.

maybe some of this will all be over after the show. but a lot of it existed before i even came back to school. not a lot of my friends at school know this, but over the summer i was strongly considering dropping out. every single person i've talked to told me this was a horrible idea, people from all walks of life. but, stubborn and stupid as i am, i dont listen to others when i should. registration is next week, and i am caught again with thoughts of not returning to Lasalle. its not that i dont like it here, i just dont feel like i belong. whenever im here, i have to play a part - go to class, go to work, go to meetings, get caught up in drama with friends, have a ridiculously busy schedule. its exhausting. do i really want to burn myself out like this? sometimes i feel like i cant take how social college is. theres no time to take care of myself, because i always feel like im supposed to be someplace else taking care of something else.

i used to have it all together. last year was one of the most blissful years of my life. wheres that girl who had everything under control? or at least was able to fake it? i had a system of primary support, and now its gone, and i havent adjusted yet. and its all my fault isnt it?