since i am infamous for hating christmas, i decided that after having a wonderful one, i ought to write about it. :) one of my resolutions is to write about the good stuff in this blog so that i can go back and look at it later.
christmas wasn't so bad this year. i did the whole family function thing, basically i socialized a little and drank a lot of wine. i came home and immediately changed into my pajamas, and began IMing adrie and senyee. eventually all three of us were telling each other about some tough stuff we were going through at home. adrie said, "im bored, restless, and its still really early. i want to go out but nothings open" and i said "lets find a diner or something, we need to get out of here" and we convinced senyee to come too. adrie sprang into the car, and picked us both up, and we headed to Dennys for an overextended late night second dinner. it was glorious, we talked and laughed and chilled out for a few hours, eating dark chocolate truffles in celebration of us hating the holidays, and generally unwinding and enjoying each others company. adrie and i were still in our pajamas. eventually, i came home and bounded upstairs, unable to stop smiling.
just that few hours with my friends really relaxed me and made everything ok again. it reminded me of a conversation that brian, jon, adrie, senyee and i had while we were in the hot tub on the ski trip. adrie senyee and i found our true friends in each other in high school, whereas traditionally, people connect with each other in a meaningful way at college. my high school experience with these girls was... let's say, less than traditional. we had crazy, crazy times in high school and we were always there for each other. some people dont find long lasting friendships until college, but we have each other and i feel like we always will.
at school, i feel i have no time at all for me. at home, i have nothing but time. time to reflect on home, family, my brother, my mom, etc. i have been doing my best to escape home since junior year of high school, and i am continuing to do that by going on trips i cant afford, with people who are trying to escape just the way i am. its incredibly comforting to be able to rely on someone to randomly decide to spend a few hours talking at dennys on christmas night when the holidays were getting me down. to have two people to share that with is truly a blessing. i have had quite a few lows in my life. and instead of abandoning me because i was a shitshow, my friends hunkered down and picked me up, stayed by me, and sweated out all of my destruction. i hurt them. i have been hurt by them. and the beauty is that somehow we realize that sometimes we all hurt each other because they are hurting too. and thats ok somehow.
......wow. this post got way more emotional than i expected. basically, this christmas was the best one ive had in a few years. and my friends made it happen for me. and im eternally thankful to have them in my life.
heres to my weird friends who really get me....
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
woo hoo
wow..... i am back from the best vacation i have had in a while. i went on a ski trip with 7 other people for the last 3 days, and i have to say that it was just what i needed. there were 3 people that were my best friends in the world for years, and there were 4 people that i really didn't know at all, so it was the perfect balance of getting to hang out with my best friends and hanging out with new, cool people.
among the highlights of the trip:
-being stranded in the car when it was too icy to get back up the driveway we came down; scary as hell at the time, but hilarious now
-the house; it was awesome! (once we found it)
-drinking the first night we were there
-epic drunk adventures through the snow
-the jacuzzi! soooooooo great!
-the pool!
-drinking in the jacuzzi and the pool!
-secret girltalk at every random opportunity :)
among the lowlights:
-i suck at skiing. seriously. im a miserable, walking bruise.
-there was one place to eat in miles
-we couldnt shoot pool at the lame ass bar
-we stayed for only 2 nights!!! sad times!
-we ended up in levittown instead of philadelphia when we came home
overall, KICKASS vacation, despite minor minor setbacks. i cant wait to go again! (if i decide to do that) it was just exactly the kind of thing that i needed.
yay contentment!
among the highlights of the trip:
-being stranded in the car when it was too icy to get back up the driveway we came down; scary as hell at the time, but hilarious now
-the house; it was awesome! (once we found it)
-drinking the first night we were there
-epic drunk adventures through the snow
-the jacuzzi! soooooooo great!
-the pool!
-drinking in the jacuzzi and the pool!
-secret girltalk at every random opportunity :)
among the lowlights:
-i suck at skiing. seriously. im a miserable, walking bruise.
-there was one place to eat in miles
-we couldnt shoot pool at the lame ass bar
-we stayed for only 2 nights!!! sad times!
-we ended up in levittown instead of philadelphia when we came home
overall, KICKASS vacation, despite minor minor setbacks. i cant wait to go again! (if i decide to do that) it was just exactly the kind of thing that i needed.
yay contentment!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
long time no update
so i figured after browsing everyone else blogs, i ought to update my own. it's only fair and all, considering i have yet to update for the entire semester.
looking back on fall '07 kind of depresses me. i feel like most of my time was spent running from one responsibility to the other, completely in autopilot. i never really stopped, or even slowed down to think to take care of myself and my own needs and wants. somewhere between VP business, BSM for Urinetown, internship at the DA's office, planning and executing the entire Haunted House, Writing Fellows, Writing Tutor, and work study in the English Department, i ended up with no free time.
go figure.
this resulted, as anyone who has seen me post Urinetown knows, in a chronic illness that just wouldn't quit. not only was i sick for about 3 weeks (which is outlandish) but i also ended up burning out by the last two weeks of the semester. i realized it the moment that i sat down to begin a few of the final papers that were due for my classes. i just kind of gazed at my walls with colorful post-it notes that were full of untouched to-do lists, looking at my trashcan and floor that was littered with finished to-do lists, and realized that my whole damn semester was full of things that i NEEDED to get done. not wanted to do. not always enjoyed doing. this realization came at a shitty time, because it made me extremely reluctant to finish my final papers for my classes. i ended up turning in one of them 24 hours late. which, at my mindset at the time, wasn't that big of a deal.
i ended up trying to spend as much time as i could doing whatever the hell i wanted to do in the last two weeks of school. i student rushed Peter Pan at the walnut street theatre. AMAZING! i went to a BYO and got drunk, two Tuesday nights in a row. Funnest thing ever! i made plans to go to the franklin institute drunk.... that didnt end up happening, but we did shots and watched Cabaret instead. which would have been awesome, had the movie not sucked.... liza minelli tried to save it, but failed. i went shopping on south street before sweeney todd and impulse-bought cute underwear! anyway, my point being, i milked everything that i could out of the time that i had. its sad that most of my leisure moments of the semester were found in December. i remember that most days of the week and weekends, i was so tired from my incredibly long, busy days, all i wanted to do was come home and relax, instead of do something fun. this depresses me.
my burnout for the semester is still killing me. i have a lot of stuff to accomplish over break, and im being languid at best in my efforts to tackle it. i feel really very pathetic. if all of my various positions are draining me, why do i do them? what do i really gain from kicking myself in the ass every day of the week?
the best i can do is make changes for the spring. and i've already made a good choice, i am pretty sure. i quit producer of the mavericks. i knew that i wouldn't be able to devote the time and effort that it deserves. i immediately knew that deferring this position to someone else was a good choice because the day after i quit, i noticed ads up for submitting scripts. i felt relieved. as much as i care about mavericks, and would have LOVED producing, i wasn't able to do it justice with all of the other crap i had swirling around in my life. john will do a fantastic job.
here's to recharging my batteries after draining them entirely...
looking back on fall '07 kind of depresses me. i feel like most of my time was spent running from one responsibility to the other, completely in autopilot. i never really stopped, or even slowed down to think to take care of myself and my own needs and wants. somewhere between VP business, BSM for Urinetown, internship at the DA's office, planning and executing the entire Haunted House, Writing Fellows, Writing Tutor, and work study in the English Department, i ended up with no free time.
go figure.
this resulted, as anyone who has seen me post Urinetown knows, in a chronic illness that just wouldn't quit. not only was i sick for about 3 weeks (which is outlandish) but i also ended up burning out by the last two weeks of the semester. i realized it the moment that i sat down to begin a few of the final papers that were due for my classes. i just kind of gazed at my walls with colorful post-it notes that were full of untouched to-do lists, looking at my trashcan and floor that was littered with finished to-do lists, and realized that my whole damn semester was full of things that i NEEDED to get done. not wanted to do. not always enjoyed doing. this realization came at a shitty time, because it made me extremely reluctant to finish my final papers for my classes. i ended up turning in one of them 24 hours late. which, at my mindset at the time, wasn't that big of a deal.
i ended up trying to spend as much time as i could doing whatever the hell i wanted to do in the last two weeks of school. i student rushed Peter Pan at the walnut street theatre. AMAZING! i went to a BYO and got drunk, two Tuesday nights in a row. Funnest thing ever! i made plans to go to the franklin institute drunk.... that didnt end up happening, but we did shots and watched Cabaret instead. which would have been awesome, had the movie not sucked.... liza minelli tried to save it, but failed. i went shopping on south street before sweeney todd and impulse-bought cute underwear! anyway, my point being, i milked everything that i could out of the time that i had. its sad that most of my leisure moments of the semester were found in December. i remember that most days of the week and weekends, i was so tired from my incredibly long, busy days, all i wanted to do was come home and relax, instead of do something fun. this depresses me.
my burnout for the semester is still killing me. i have a lot of stuff to accomplish over break, and im being languid at best in my efforts to tackle it. i feel really very pathetic. if all of my various positions are draining me, why do i do them? what do i really gain from kicking myself in the ass every day of the week?
the best i can do is make changes for the spring. and i've already made a good choice, i am pretty sure. i quit producer of the mavericks. i knew that i wouldn't be able to devote the time and effort that it deserves. i immediately knew that deferring this position to someone else was a good choice because the day after i quit, i noticed ads up for submitting scripts. i felt relieved. as much as i care about mavericks, and would have LOVED producing, i wasn't able to do it justice with all of the other crap i had swirling around in my life. john will do a fantastic job.
here's to recharging my batteries after draining them entirely...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Alive! with the glory of ....
...LOVE those song lyrics that dan posted in his profile! the song has been playing in my head for a few weeks now, and its kind of one of my favorite songs ever.
so i feel like everything in my life right now is pointing to the single phrase: "Welcome to the summer of awesome". and its only a sarcastic phrase like 10% of the time. the last month for me has been the most amazing that i've felt in an extremely long time, ie: like since high school. i've been active and traveling a hell of a lot. it feels like im in a different city every weekend, and sometimes in more than one city every weekend. brief synopsis on my adventures thus far:
- jack's mannequin concert kicked off the summer of awesome. the concert was AMAZING, only cost me five bucks and was followed by hysterical drunken adventures afterwards. also, the next day i waited in line for 45 minutes for a cheesesteak that rivaled Pat's.
- went to ocean city for a day. it was sooo awesome just to lie on the beach for a day and soak up some sun and just talk.
- joanna's grad party. really fun, just chilin', drinking, losing miserably at beer pong and meeting joanna's family and home friends.
- NYC with MC! SOOOO much fun....went shopping in chinatown, rode the NYC subway and the Long Island Railroad, had a cappuchino in little italy, bought awesome sunglasses and an amazing hat, played beer pong, two-tiered and otherwise, (Team Asian, undefeated!) got to watch a drunken shouting match between Mets fans and Yankees fans, and talked to random strangers on the train.
- went to ocean city for the night. played bet your liver with corona, tried to play drunk putt putt, but the places were closed, so i just ran on the beach and splashed ppl.
- went to jaime's grad party. was nice to see everyone again, and nice to leave once the drama got to be a little too much to bear.
whew! and those were just the weekends! during the week i work for the largest commercial real estate firm in the world, CB Richard Ellis, in Baltimore city. i really really like my job. its extremely fast paced and busy at times, while at others, i just kind of stare off into space and daydream about my weekend plans. im learning a lot and i am using computer programs that i have never used before. my favorite thing to do at work is create marketing flyers. i get to be creative and use some of my vocabulary to sell real estate. sounds boring to say it, but i enjoy it. i got a compliment on the first ad that i did, and i was really proud of it. the worst part of my job is having to figure out how to do stuff on the computer the hard way. i really like the people im working for too. they are really nice and very helpful and make conversation with me when they can. and at the end of the day when everyones getting off and getting antsy to go home, they start to talk about their outside lives and telling interesting risque stories, and i laugh at them.
in other news, i have a new boyfriend. hes amazing. im crazy about him and he makes me extremely happy. he was involved in most of my weekend adventures described above (all but NYC) and he makes my life fun.
this summer is truly turning out to be the best ive ever had. and its only been one month.
on the docket for the rest of the summer:
- TBA: MC is coming to baltimore! i'll show her all the cool stuff, it should take that long, then we can drink!
- TBA: im going back to NYC, as soon as i have some more money.
- TBA: going down to salisbury to visit kellie!!
- july 18 & 19: up to lasalle for director interviews
- july 20-22: Ocean city with adrie and senyee!!!! gonna be sooo much fun!!
- august 18: my cousins wedding! im so excited, i finally get to meet her husband!
- august 25: MCR CONCERT!!! Gonna be a fucking blast!!! cant wait!!!
everything is gonna be so good. i just cant wait for the rest of the summer, but at the same time, i dont want it to end.
good night world. i cant wait to wake up in the morning and just be happy to be having a great life.
so i feel like everything in my life right now is pointing to the single phrase: "Welcome to the summer of awesome". and its only a sarcastic phrase like 10% of the time. the last month for me has been the most amazing that i've felt in an extremely long time, ie: like since high school. i've been active and traveling a hell of a lot. it feels like im in a different city every weekend, and sometimes in more than one city every weekend. brief synopsis on my adventures thus far:
- jack's mannequin concert kicked off the summer of awesome. the concert was AMAZING, only cost me five bucks and was followed by hysterical drunken adventures afterwards. also, the next day i waited in line for 45 minutes for a cheesesteak that rivaled Pat's.
- went to ocean city for a day. it was sooo awesome just to lie on the beach for a day and soak up some sun and just talk.
- joanna's grad party. really fun, just chilin', drinking, losing miserably at beer pong and meeting joanna's family and home friends.
- NYC with MC! SOOOO much fun....went shopping in chinatown, rode the NYC subway and the Long Island Railroad, had a cappuchino in little italy, bought awesome sunglasses and an amazing hat, played beer pong, two-tiered and otherwise, (Team Asian, undefeated!) got to watch a drunken shouting match between Mets fans and Yankees fans, and talked to random strangers on the train.
- went to ocean city for the night. played bet your liver with corona, tried to play drunk putt putt, but the places were closed, so i just ran on the beach and splashed ppl.
- went to jaime's grad party. was nice to see everyone again, and nice to leave once the drama got to be a little too much to bear.
whew! and those were just the weekends! during the week i work for the largest commercial real estate firm in the world, CB Richard Ellis, in Baltimore city. i really really like my job. its extremely fast paced and busy at times, while at others, i just kind of stare off into space and daydream about my weekend plans. im learning a lot and i am using computer programs that i have never used before. my favorite thing to do at work is create marketing flyers. i get to be creative and use some of my vocabulary to sell real estate. sounds boring to say it, but i enjoy it. i got a compliment on the first ad that i did, and i was really proud of it. the worst part of my job is having to figure out how to do stuff on the computer the hard way. i really like the people im working for too. they are really nice and very helpful and make conversation with me when they can. and at the end of the day when everyones getting off and getting antsy to go home, they start to talk about their outside lives and telling interesting risque stories, and i laugh at them.
in other news, i have a new boyfriend. hes amazing. im crazy about him and he makes me extremely happy. he was involved in most of my weekend adventures described above (all but NYC) and he makes my life fun.
this summer is truly turning out to be the best ive ever had. and its only been one month.
on the docket for the rest of the summer:
- TBA: MC is coming to baltimore! i'll show her all the cool stuff, it should take that long, then we can drink!
- TBA: im going back to NYC, as soon as i have some more money.
- TBA: going down to salisbury to visit kellie!!
- july 18 & 19: up to lasalle for director interviews
- july 20-22: Ocean city with adrie and senyee!!!! gonna be sooo much fun!!
- august 18: my cousins wedding! im so excited, i finally get to meet her husband!
- august 25: MCR CONCERT!!! Gonna be a fucking blast!!! cant wait!!!
everything is gonna be so good. i just cant wait for the rest of the summer, but at the same time, i dont want it to end.
good night world. i cant wait to wake up in the morning and just be happy to be having a great life.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
an update...
...in outline form.
taking a bath, not a shower, in a tub, not a communal bathroom, for as long as i want = fucking awesome
my aunt's crab soup = amazing
my dad washing my sheets for me = yay!
having lots of boxes to unpack = boo...
watching heroes on madelines big TV instead of my small one = awesome!
not watching heroes with madeline = :(
calling her afterwards and filling her in on the episode = yay!
home cooked meal = yay!
queen-sized bed = awesome!
a long nap on said queen-sized bed = aaaaaamazing
eating chocolate icing out of the fridge = not good for me, but still good!
not having a job for the summer yet = good and bad
finally being able to relax = priceless.
taking a bath, not a shower, in a tub, not a communal bathroom, for as long as i want = fucking awesome
my aunt's crab soup = amazing
my dad washing my sheets for me = yay!
having lots of boxes to unpack = boo...
watching heroes on madelines big TV instead of my small one = awesome!
not watching heroes with madeline = :(
calling her afterwards and filling her in on the episode = yay!
home cooked meal = yay!
queen-sized bed = awesome!
a long nap on said queen-sized bed = aaaaaamazing
eating chocolate icing out of the fridge = not good for me, but still good!
not having a job for the summer yet = good and bad
finally being able to relax = priceless.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
favorite words
backstage, during philadelphia story, we were talking about our favorite words. i just thought of another one that i really really like; macabre. i dont know why, but i think it reveals a lot about my personality. i like it because its spelled not the way its said, so if you learned it by hearing it, you wouldnt know how to spell it, and if u learned it while reading it, you wouldnt know how to say it. plus i like the meaning of it too. i guess im just weird.
so glad the semester's winding down. not looking forward to going home, but im just sick of so much bullshit thats going on. like school for example. entirely done with school. speaking of which, i totally have a 7-10 page paper due tomorrow. its not done. i started it though. i've suddenly felt so over school. i mean, what does it really mean in the long term run of things? we're just paying a whole lot of money to play along in some huge constructed game of life. the most important things in life - love, family, things like that - have very little to do with succeeding in school at all. in fact, these things interfere with school so frequently.
unfortunately, im feeling so much better about life in general. i say its unfortunate because its nicely coincided with not caring about papers and projects and such. the second i begin to care about school again is the moment that my happiness disappears. isnt that what life is all about? denying ones own happiness to fulfill the expectations of someone else? yes yes. thats what our culture is teaching us.
wow im feeling so odd. its a great feeling but its a weird one. it might be bad too, since im not done my paper and its so late. eh, i seriously dont care though.
i like feeling good for once. i really got my head back on straight. theres no use getting all bogged down in the past. and theres no use in listening to anyone at all. after all, i know whats best for me all the time. and if im wrong, its ok, im only hurting myself. and i always get over everything. thats just how i am. i know whats important to me and i know what i have and what i dont. no more delusions. just purity. this is a really great feeling. i'll glad that i found it again, at least that someone had the kindness to give it back to me.
macabre..... he he he....
so glad the semester's winding down. not looking forward to going home, but im just sick of so much bullshit thats going on. like school for example. entirely done with school. speaking of which, i totally have a 7-10 page paper due tomorrow. its not done. i started it though. i've suddenly felt so over school. i mean, what does it really mean in the long term run of things? we're just paying a whole lot of money to play along in some huge constructed game of life. the most important things in life - love, family, things like that - have very little to do with succeeding in school at all. in fact, these things interfere with school so frequently.
unfortunately, im feeling so much better about life in general. i say its unfortunate because its nicely coincided with not caring about papers and projects and such. the second i begin to care about school again is the moment that my happiness disappears. isnt that what life is all about? denying ones own happiness to fulfill the expectations of someone else? yes yes. thats what our culture is teaching us.
wow im feeling so odd. its a great feeling but its a weird one. it might be bad too, since im not done my paper and its so late. eh, i seriously dont care though.
i like feeling good for once. i really got my head back on straight. theres no use getting all bogged down in the past. and theres no use in listening to anyone at all. after all, i know whats best for me all the time. and if im wrong, its ok, im only hurting myself. and i always get over everything. thats just how i am. i know whats important to me and i know what i have and what i dont. no more delusions. just purity. this is a really great feeling. i'll glad that i found it again, at least that someone had the kindness to give it back to me.
macabre..... he he he....
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
i was told to update
holy crap, i actually have a bit of free time? this is a complete accident. the beginnings of my week are usually so jam packed its a wonder i accomplish anything.
project appalachia is coming up! and so is baby week(s)! i'm so excited for both. im a bit worried though. i had a strange illness 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much incapacitated for a week. i rushed home to see a doctor and he gave me a tentative diagnosis of Meniere's disease. (google it). he has to do some testing to confirm it, but i had all the symptoms of an attack - severe vertigo, nausea, vomiting, and ringing fullness and loss of hearing in one ear. basically, hearing that scared me. in order to prevent another attack, i need to avoid caffiene, alcohol, stress, and get enough sleep every night and eat three full meals a day. basically, do everything thats contrary to my current lifestyle and schedule. im definitely terrified of another attack, i lost an entire week, a lot of school work, and was extremely weakened by the experience. i was so terrified that i missed so much of everything....the service trips auction, opening night of drawer boy, about 7 of my writing fellows appointments, things like that. it was an incredible struggle to go to drawer boy at all. i ignored my doctors orders and went back to school two days eariler that he recommended. i struggled to finish my two platforms for eboard and somehow stay on my feet during my week of recovery. my hearing is mostly returned but i still get dizzy if i turn my head to the right.
im really annoyed at this stupid thing. i dont need this in my life right now. i have a lot of responsibilities and am pretty busy with them all. im not very good at taking care of myself and this illness has already really gotten in the way! i feel like i missed so much, and im going to continue to miss things. for example i have to miss a production meeting for philadelphia story this thursday (!!!!) because im going home for the testing. this is incredily frustrating. i hate feeling worried that if i dont get enough sleep or skip a meal i will have an attack and will lose another week. just that one weekend really set me askew. i feel behind already and i hate that feeling!
i have been really worried about this, it came at such a weird time. im finally feeling happy and adjusted and recovered from the semester from hell (aka fall '06) and like i can really do anything i want to...i just feel a renewed sense of autonomy and comfort, like im just ok with the way life is going right now. then this attack happened, now i have to wonder if i need to incorporate a new set of habits into my lifestyle. will i be able to help at tech during hell week? will i be able to use power tools at project appalachia? will i be able to keep up with all my work in my classes and AD the one act, and do tech for philadelphia story, and take a kid for the masque, and learn all the responsibilities of VP business, and keep myself healthy enough to not have any more attacks? is something i really need to take seriously? im just glad that this didnt happen during J & H. what a shitshow that would have been. what would have happened if i had gotten sick then? what if i get sick during finals week?
the biggest blessing out of this is that i have really supportive friends that are there for me when i need help and care about me when something happens. its really humbling having four ppl help me walk down the hall and helping me into my dads car holding my barf bag the whole time. but it really made me appreciate what i have. if it werent for a good friend at my computer, sending out emails that i was dictating in between vomiting into a trash can, i wouldnt have been able to let anyone know what was going on with me. many people asked me if i was ok when i showed up for drawer boy performances, and granted, i couldnt hear them very well, but i appreciated their concern. i guess i tend to stress my friends out when i do stubborn things like try to push myself when im weak, but im sorry, its in my nature. i never know when to say no or take care of myself. i guess thats what this experience is supposed to teach me.
well here goes. i have testing this friday, leaving on thursday after class, and trying hard to return to lasalle in time for my lab on friday morning. we'll see how that goes.
good night world
project appalachia is coming up! and so is baby week(s)! i'm so excited for both. im a bit worried though. i had a strange illness 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much incapacitated for a week. i rushed home to see a doctor and he gave me a tentative diagnosis of Meniere's disease. (google it). he has to do some testing to confirm it, but i had all the symptoms of an attack - severe vertigo, nausea, vomiting, and ringing fullness and loss of hearing in one ear. basically, hearing that scared me. in order to prevent another attack, i need to avoid caffiene, alcohol, stress, and get enough sleep every night and eat three full meals a day. basically, do everything thats contrary to my current lifestyle and schedule. im definitely terrified of another attack, i lost an entire week, a lot of school work, and was extremely weakened by the experience. i was so terrified that i missed so much of everything....the service trips auction, opening night of drawer boy, about 7 of my writing fellows appointments, things like that. it was an incredible struggle to go to drawer boy at all. i ignored my doctors orders and went back to school two days eariler that he recommended. i struggled to finish my two platforms for eboard and somehow stay on my feet during my week of recovery. my hearing is mostly returned but i still get dizzy if i turn my head to the right.
im really annoyed at this stupid thing. i dont need this in my life right now. i have a lot of responsibilities and am pretty busy with them all. im not very good at taking care of myself and this illness has already really gotten in the way! i feel like i missed so much, and im going to continue to miss things. for example i have to miss a production meeting for philadelphia story this thursday (!!!!) because im going home for the testing. this is incredily frustrating. i hate feeling worried that if i dont get enough sleep or skip a meal i will have an attack and will lose another week. just that one weekend really set me askew. i feel behind already and i hate that feeling!
i have been really worried about this, it came at such a weird time. im finally feeling happy and adjusted and recovered from the semester from hell (aka fall '06) and like i can really do anything i want to...i just feel a renewed sense of autonomy and comfort, like im just ok with the way life is going right now. then this attack happened, now i have to wonder if i need to incorporate a new set of habits into my lifestyle. will i be able to help at tech during hell week? will i be able to use power tools at project appalachia? will i be able to keep up with all my work in my classes and AD the one act, and do tech for philadelphia story, and take a kid for the masque, and learn all the responsibilities of VP business, and keep myself healthy enough to not have any more attacks? is something i really need to take seriously? im just glad that this didnt happen during J & H. what a shitshow that would have been. what would have happened if i had gotten sick then? what if i get sick during finals week?
the biggest blessing out of this is that i have really supportive friends that are there for me when i need help and care about me when something happens. its really humbling having four ppl help me walk down the hall and helping me into my dads car holding my barf bag the whole time. but it really made me appreciate what i have. if it werent for a good friend at my computer, sending out emails that i was dictating in between vomiting into a trash can, i wouldnt have been able to let anyone know what was going on with me. many people asked me if i was ok when i showed up for drawer boy performances, and granted, i couldnt hear them very well, but i appreciated their concern. i guess i tend to stress my friends out when i do stubborn things like try to push myself when im weak, but im sorry, its in my nature. i never know when to say no or take care of myself. i guess thats what this experience is supposed to teach me.
well here goes. i have testing this friday, leaving on thursday after class, and trying hard to return to lasalle in time for my lab on friday morning. we'll see how that goes.
good night world
Thursday, January 11, 2007
ho hum
laundry in the dryer, nothing new or fascinating on facebook, no one in the house. what is there to do? i've been hesitating on doing the 15 people thing. i think its a great idea in theory, for other people, but i dont know if it will work out that well for me. i tend to say things too harshly and offend people without wanting to. i guess the only remedy would be to keep things brief and light hearted. all the angry stuff i say will be brief. well here goes nothing:
1) i really respect you but sometimes i think you are missing out on life. i worry about you. you do this tunnel vision thing where you focus on the bad part and fail to see the bigger picture. i wish you knew how lucky you are and how much i envy you, in a good way!
2) i wish you and i were closer friends. you're awesome and i wish i could be more like you.
3) i'm really glad that you and i got to be better friends this semester. you have the brutal honesty and the consistancy of character that i strive for. talking with you has really helped me out a lot and i wish you knew how much it meant to me. i have a sneaking suspicion that you will be too busy to talk to me in the spring but i have accepted that. i wish you were more comfortable telling me more about yourself.
4) i miss you like whoa. you are seriously the highlight of my day when i do get a chance to hang out with you. be around more!
5) you're awesome and i wish that you and i spent more time together. you seem so cute and innocent but you have this deceptive streak of sarcasm that lights up my life. im jealous that you're prettier than me sometimes. i promise we will have more bonding time this spring!
6) im worried about you. you have changed and i dont know if i am ok with it. i always tried to protect you but now i cant anymore and it kills me. you seem to be very mad at me whenever we hang out. did i do something? why do you hate me so much? i want to fix us.
7) i'm pretty much crazy about you. you are there for me when i need to rant and you take care of me when i'm too retarded to take care of myself. you and i have bonded so much over the last two years and i cherish that deeply. i wish you could feel complete without wanting a guy in your life. but i still want you to have one!
8) stop hurting my best friend. you piss me off.
9) i have a love hate thing with you. sometimes i talk smack about you but i have a great deal of admiration for you. trust me i would never say this to your face. sometimes i wonder "what if" but that is quickly squelshed by reality. your cool, and annoying, and nice, and nasty at times. and i like that. keep it up.
10) i like talking to you and im glad that were friends but at times you can be extremely arrogant.
11) sometimes you hate me, sometimes you can tolerate me. i cant stand how back and forth you are with me. i put up with it for years but i've lost patience for it. i miss the way you used to be, before the world got to you. go back inside your bubble where you were safe from the shitty world that you have to live in. i miss the old you.
12) i will never forgive you. ever.
13) i miss you the most. you seem to be the only one who gets me without even trying. you and i were always partners in crime and we have so many secrets that i treasure. my goal was to spend more time with you last semester and i sucked hardcore at it. i just wish that you and i didnt live in such polar opposite worlds. i want us to be the way we always were. i need you in my life and at my lowest and highest points, i think of you and realize it the most. i wish i could trust you enough to tell you everything.
14) i think i have you figured out. i hope i'm right...
15) you. ah, you... you're a coward. get over yourself.
hm that was a lot easier than it looks. if you think you see yourself in this list, take a guess at which one you are.
1) i really respect you but sometimes i think you are missing out on life. i worry about you. you do this tunnel vision thing where you focus on the bad part and fail to see the bigger picture. i wish you knew how lucky you are and how much i envy you, in a good way!
2) i wish you and i were closer friends. you're awesome and i wish i could be more like you.
3) i'm really glad that you and i got to be better friends this semester. you have the brutal honesty and the consistancy of character that i strive for. talking with you has really helped me out a lot and i wish you knew how much it meant to me. i have a sneaking suspicion that you will be too busy to talk to me in the spring but i have accepted that. i wish you were more comfortable telling me more about yourself.
4) i miss you like whoa. you are seriously the highlight of my day when i do get a chance to hang out with you. be around more!
5) you're awesome and i wish that you and i spent more time together. you seem so cute and innocent but you have this deceptive streak of sarcasm that lights up my life. im jealous that you're prettier than me sometimes. i promise we will have more bonding time this spring!
6) im worried about you. you have changed and i dont know if i am ok with it. i always tried to protect you but now i cant anymore and it kills me. you seem to be very mad at me whenever we hang out. did i do something? why do you hate me so much? i want to fix us.
7) i'm pretty much crazy about you. you are there for me when i need to rant and you take care of me when i'm too retarded to take care of myself. you and i have bonded so much over the last two years and i cherish that deeply. i wish you could feel complete without wanting a guy in your life. but i still want you to have one!
8) stop hurting my best friend. you piss me off.
9) i have a love hate thing with you. sometimes i talk smack about you but i have a great deal of admiration for you. trust me i would never say this to your face. sometimes i wonder "what if" but that is quickly squelshed by reality. your cool, and annoying, and nice, and nasty at times. and i like that. keep it up.
10) i like talking to you and im glad that were friends but at times you can be extremely arrogant.
11) sometimes you hate me, sometimes you can tolerate me. i cant stand how back and forth you are with me. i put up with it for years but i've lost patience for it. i miss the way you used to be, before the world got to you. go back inside your bubble where you were safe from the shitty world that you have to live in. i miss the old you.
12) i will never forgive you. ever.
13) i miss you the most. you seem to be the only one who gets me without even trying. you and i were always partners in crime and we have so many secrets that i treasure. my goal was to spend more time with you last semester and i sucked hardcore at it. i just wish that you and i didnt live in such polar opposite worlds. i want us to be the way we always were. i need you in my life and at my lowest and highest points, i think of you and realize it the most. i wish i could trust you enough to tell you everything.
14) i think i have you figured out. i hope i'm right...
15) you. ah, you... you're a coward. get over yourself.
hm that was a lot easier than it looks. if you think you see yourself in this list, take a guess at which one you are.
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