i have never felt so completely defeated before. i've always felt like the harder i try to get something done, the more chance of success is ensured. i guess not everything is like that.

i go out of my way to never look or feel like i am weak. i do my best to do my job, but most of the time it is at the expense of taking care of myself. as terrified as i am about the show not going well, i feel alone in my misery. i know that a lot of people are as worried as i am, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel no support in what i am doing.

i think that the lowest ive felt so far this school year was when the person that i care about the most, that i always used to rely on for support, could look at me in the face, watch me cry, and do nothing about it. theres a difference between "tough love" and apathy, and that transition has already occured.

i never felt like i was one of those people that catered to the opinions of others or even needed approval from anyone else. i don't need a huge group of friends around me 24/7, i dont need to attend a huge party every weekend with EVERYONE there, i dont need to hear that im awesome all the time. my self esteem does not rely on whether or not people like me. i like to pick one group, one circle of friends, and one special person to share my life with.

in fact, one of my bigger flaws is that i sometimes have problems relating to others, and i tend to do my own thing rather than do what others want or feel is best. something i've had to deal with my whole life is when people take what i say the wrong way. its not a unique problem, ive gotten used to the fact that i come across the wrong way a lot of the time.

maybe some of this will all be over after the show. but a lot of it existed before i even came back to school. not a lot of my friends at school know this, but over the summer i was strongly considering dropping out. every single person i've talked to told me this was a horrible idea, people from all walks of life. but, stubborn and stupid as i am, i dont listen to others when i should. registration is next week, and i am caught again with thoughts of not returning to Lasalle. its not that i dont like it here, i just dont feel like i belong. whenever im here, i have to play a part - go to class, go to work, go to meetings, get caught up in drama with friends, have a ridiculously busy schedule. its exhausting. do i really want to burn myself out like this? sometimes i feel like i cant take how social college is. theres no time to take care of myself, because i always feel like im supposed to be someplace else taking care of something else.

i used to have it all together. last year was one of the most blissful years of my life. wheres that girl who had everything under control? or at least was able to fake it? i had a system of primary support, and now its gone, and i havent adjusted yet. and its all my fault isnt it?