sigh

sometimes i wish i never came back to lasalle last fall.

favorite words

backstage, during philadelphia story, we were talking about our favorite words. i just thought of another one that i really really like; macabre. i dont know why, but i think it reveals a lot about my personality. i like it because its spelled not the way its said, so if you learned it by hearing it, you wouldnt know how to spell it, and if u learned it while reading it, you wouldnt know how to say it. plus i like the meaning of it too. i guess im just weird.

so glad the semester's winding down. not looking forward to going home, but im just sick of so much bullshit thats going on. like school for example. entirely done with school. speaking of which, i totally have a 7-10 page paper due tomorrow. its not done. i started it though. i've suddenly felt so over school. i mean, what does it really mean in the long term run of things? we're just paying a whole lot of money to play along in some huge constructed game of life. the most important things in life - love, family, things like that - have very little to do with succeeding in school at all. in fact, these things interfere with school so frequently.

unfortunately, im feeling so much better about life in general. i say its unfortunate because its nicely coincided with not caring about papers and projects and such. the second i begin to care about school again is the moment that my happiness disappears. isnt that what life is all about? denying ones own happiness to fulfill the expectations of someone else? yes yes. thats what our culture is teaching us.

wow im feeling so odd. its a great feeling but its a weird one. it might be bad too, since im not done my paper and its so late. eh, i seriously dont care though.

i like feeling good for once. i really got my head back on straight. theres no use getting all bogged down in the past. and theres no use in listening to anyone at all. after all, i know whats best for me all the time. and if im wrong, its ok, im only hurting myself. and i always get over everything. thats just how i am. i know whats important to me and i know what i have and what i dont. no more delusions. just purity. this is a really great feeling. i'll glad that i found it again, at least that someone had the kindness to give it back to me.

macabre..... he he he....

i was told to update

holy crap, i actually have a bit of free time? this is a complete accident. the beginnings of my week are usually so jam packed its a wonder i accomplish anything.

project appalachia is coming up! and so is baby week(s)! i'm so excited for both. im a bit worried though. i had a strange illness 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much incapacitated for a week. i rushed home to see a doctor and he gave me a tentative diagnosis of Meniere's disease. (google it). he has to do some testing to confirm it, but i had all the symptoms of an attack - severe vertigo, nausea, vomiting, and ringing fullness and loss of hearing in one ear. basically, hearing that scared me. in order to prevent another attack, i need to avoid caffiene, alcohol, stress, and get enough sleep every night and eat three full meals a day. basically, do everything thats contrary to my current lifestyle and schedule. im definitely terrified of another attack, i lost an entire week, a lot of school work, and was extremely weakened by the experience. i was so terrified that i missed so much of everything....the service trips auction, opening night of drawer boy, about 7 of my writing fellows appointments, things like that. it was an incredible struggle to go to drawer boy at all. i ignored my doctors orders and went back to school two days eariler that he recommended. i struggled to finish my two platforms for eboard and somehow stay on my feet during my week of recovery. my hearing is mostly returned but i still get dizzy if i turn my head to the right.

im really annoyed at this stupid thing. i dont need this in my life right now. i have a lot of responsibilities and am pretty busy with them all. im not very good at taking care of myself and this illness has already really gotten in the way! i feel like i missed so much, and im going to continue to miss things. for example i have to miss a production meeting for philadelphia story this thursday (!!!!) because im going home for the testing. this is incredily frustrating. i hate feeling worried that if i dont get enough sleep or skip a meal i will have an attack and will lose another week. just that one weekend really set me askew. i feel behind already and i hate that feeling!

i have been really worried about this, it came at such a weird time. im finally feeling happy and adjusted and recovered from the semester from hell (aka fall '06) and like i can really do anything i want to...i just feel a renewed sense of autonomy and comfort, like im just ok with the way life is going right now. then this attack happened, now i have to wonder if i need to incorporate a new set of habits into my lifestyle. will i be able to help at tech during hell week? will i be able to use power tools at project appalachia? will i be able to keep up with all my work in my classes and AD the one act, and do tech for philadelphia story, and take a kid for the masque, and learn all the responsibilities of VP business, and keep myself healthy enough to not have any more attacks? is something i really need to take seriously? im just glad that this didnt happen during J & H. what a shitshow that would have been. what would have happened if i had gotten sick then? what if i get sick during finals week?

the biggest blessing out of this is that i have really supportive friends that are there for me when i need help and care about me when something happens. its really humbling having four ppl help me walk down the hall and helping me into my dads car holding my barf bag the whole time. but it really made me appreciate what i have. if it werent for a good friend at my computer, sending out emails that i was dictating in between vomiting into a trash can, i wouldnt have been able to let anyone know what was going on with me. many people asked me if i was ok when i showed up for drawer boy performances, and granted, i couldnt hear them very well, but i appreciated their concern. i guess i tend to stress my friends out when i do stubborn things like try to push myself when im weak, but im sorry, its in my nature. i never know when to say no or take care of myself. i guess thats what this experience is supposed to teach me.

well here goes. i have testing this friday, leaving on thursday after class, and trying hard to return to lasalle in time for my lab on friday morning. we'll see how that goes.

good night world

ho hum

laundry in the dryer, nothing new or fascinating on facebook, no one in the house. what is there to do? i've been hesitating on doing the 15 people thing. i think its a great idea in theory, for other people, but i dont know if it will work out that well for me. i tend to say things too harshly and offend people without wanting to. i guess the only remedy would be to keep things brief and light hearted. all the angry stuff i say will be brief. well here goes nothing:

1) i really respect you but sometimes i think you are missing out on life. i worry about you. you do this tunnel vision thing where you focus on the bad part and fail to see the bigger picture. i wish you knew how lucky you are and how much i envy you, in a good way!

2) i wish you and i were closer friends. you're awesome and i wish i could be more like you.

3) i'm really glad that you and i got to be better friends this semester. you have the brutal honesty and the consistancy of character that i strive for. talking with you has really helped me out a lot and i wish you knew how much it meant to me. i have a sneaking suspicion that you will be too busy to talk to me in the spring but i have accepted that. i wish you were more comfortable telling me more about yourself.

4) i miss you like whoa. you are seriously the highlight of my day when i do get a chance to hang out with you. be around more!

5) you're awesome and i wish that you and i spent more time together. you seem so cute and innocent but you have this deceptive streak of sarcasm that lights up my life. im jealous that you're prettier than me sometimes. i promise we will have more bonding time this spring!

6) im worried about you. you have changed and i dont know if i am ok with it. i always tried to protect you but now i cant anymore and it kills me. you seem to be very mad at me whenever we hang out. did i do something? why do you hate me so much? i want to fix us.

7) i'm pretty much crazy about you. you are there for me when i need to rant and you take care of me when i'm too retarded to take care of myself. you and i have bonded so much over the last two years and i cherish that deeply. i wish you could feel complete without wanting a guy in your life. but i still want you to have one!

8) stop hurting my best friend. you piss me off.

9) i have a love hate thing with you. sometimes i talk smack about you but i have a great deal of admiration for you. trust me i would never say this to your face. sometimes i wonder "what if" but that is quickly squelshed by reality. your cool, and annoying, and nice, and nasty at times. and i like that. keep it up.

10) i like talking to you and im glad that were friends but at times you can be extremely arrogant.

11) sometimes you hate me, sometimes you can tolerate me. i cant stand how back and forth you are with me. i put up with it for years but i've lost patience for it. i miss the way you used to be, before the world got to you. go back inside your bubble where you were safe from the shitty world that you have to live in. i miss the old you.

12) i will never forgive you. ever.

13) i miss you the most. you seem to be the only one who gets me without even trying. you and i were always partners in crime and we have so many secrets that i treasure. my goal was to spend more time with you last semester and i sucked hardcore at it. i just wish that you and i didnt live in such polar opposite worlds. i want us to be the way we always were. i need you in my life and at my lowest and highest points, i think of you and realize it the most. i wish i could trust you enough to tell you everything.

14) i think i have you figured out. i hope i'm right...

15) you. ah, you... you're a coward. get over yourself.

hm that was a lot easier than it looks. if you think you see yourself in this list, take a guess at which one you are.

Leave a comment with your name and:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST.

so i got my first A of the semester on a paper back from dainton today. can u believe it? november and its my first A? as awful as that sounds, im so glad that ive finally gotten a decent grade in one of my challenging classes. i feel like things are finally starting to pick up, at least my mood is. my spirits have lifted and im much less mopey recently. like, ive actually had some genuine good moods. :) im happy that ive gotten to a comfortable place like this in my life. im actually okay with the way things are and im incredibly relieved that i can say that with conviction.

as content as i am, im still hella stressed about the end of the year and all the projects i still have to accomplish. luckily i have a renewed sense of myself with which to tackle the massive onslaught of work i have to do within the next two weeks.

well, time to stop dicking around and start that paper i have been griping about for a week. wish me luck!

today was a very good day. i was very surprised that it was such, but it really was. for those of you that know me very closely, you might know that i am not the hugest fan of my family, but it only caused by one person, my brother. he has been pretty much cool with me for the past 48 hours i have been home, which is a record. this means that home for me has been basically the most awesome thing ever. i feel like i can finally breathe again! its great!

tomorrow im going shopping with adrie and senyee, which i am super pumped about! not too keen about getting up at 7 am, but whatev. last year i got 100% of my christmas shopping done on black friday, so im aiming for a repeat performance of that.

my mom found out about my belly button ring today. it wasnt as big as a problem as i thought it would be. my cousin, in seventh grade, said "hey ur belly button is pierced" and my mom glances over and says "let me see," called my a ho, and that was it. not too bad.

time to try to sleep early. happy thanksgiving, limited readers!

whew! what a weekend. part of me is so glad its over with and part of me is missing it already. theres such a glorious adrenaline rush associated with doing a show. the moment where you have goosebumps and you hope the audience does too, or its your favorite part and your rapt with attention, and that shocking silence that is pierced with the first person's applause. hearing greg on the headset saying "one person standing, two, three, four, too many to count" is incredibly satisfying, its the best high in the world.

hell week however, i dont miss so much. there is so much work that i have to catch up and i am emotionally and physically EXHAUSATED. no will to live left. i will have to find some to catch up on the midterm that was due on friday!

wish me luck

i have never felt so completely defeated before. i've always felt like the harder i try to get something done, the more chance of success is ensured. i guess not everything is like that.

i go out of my way to never look or feel like i am weak. i do my best to do my job, but most of the time it is at the expense of taking care of myself. as terrified as i am about the show not going well, i feel alone in my misery. i know that a lot of people are as worried as i am, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel no support in what i am doing.

i think that the lowest ive felt so far this school year was when the person that i care about the most, that i always used to rely on for support, could look at me in the face, watch me cry, and do nothing about it. theres a difference between "tough love" and apathy, and that transition has already occured.

i never felt like i was one of those people that catered to the opinions of others or even needed approval from anyone else. i don't need a huge group of friends around me 24/7, i dont need to attend a huge party every weekend with EVERYONE there, i dont need to hear that im awesome all the time. my self esteem does not rely on whether or not people like me. i like to pick one group, one circle of friends, and one special person to share my life with.

in fact, one of my bigger flaws is that i sometimes have problems relating to others, and i tend to do my own thing rather than do what others want or feel is best. something i've had to deal with my whole life is when people take what i say the wrong way. its not a unique problem, ive gotten used to the fact that i come across the wrong way a lot of the time.

maybe some of this will all be over after the show. but a lot of it existed before i even came back to school. not a lot of my friends at school know this, but over the summer i was strongly considering dropping out. every single person i've talked to told me this was a horrible idea, people from all walks of life. but, stubborn and stupid as i am, i dont listen to others when i should. registration is next week, and i am caught again with thoughts of not returning to Lasalle. its not that i dont like it here, i just dont feel like i belong. whenever im here, i have to play a part - go to class, go to work, go to meetings, get caught up in drama with friends, have a ridiculously busy schedule. its exhausting. do i really want to burn myself out like this? sometimes i feel like i cant take how social college is. theres no time to take care of myself, because i always feel like im supposed to be someplace else taking care of something else.

i used to have it all together. last year was one of the most blissful years of my life. wheres that girl who had everything under control? or at least was able to fake it? i had a system of primary support, and now its gone, and i havent adjusted yet. and its all my fault isnt it?

so last night's haunted house was such a blast! i was so happy when it came together and became something so impressive. shows that we can actually get shit done and be proud of ourselves when we all put effort into it. i was genuinely surprised that so many people showed up, and im so glad that all our hard work paid off. :)

now lets do a kick ass job for jekyll & hyde!!!

hm cant decide if i want to sleep, eat, or write a paper that was due yesterday.....choices choices.

ok, so there's a costume ball going on next tuesday, and i kinda wanna go, but i don't know what to dress up as.

what should i be?

comments please?

awesome:

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=QnOfDiamnds418

go to it!

Random thoughts:

Things I Like-
1) chinese food
2) weekends
3) good music
4) talking late at night
5) cutting up onions to put in spaghetti sauce
6) eating something that i cooked
7) eating something that john cooked
8) using alcohol to solve my problems
9) being proud of myself
10) singing
11) when someone else can somehow make me smile
12) diner runs
13) staying up really late in the lounge and just talking for hours
14) being too busy to think
15) being away from "home"
16) warm weather and the fourth of july

Things I Don't Like-
1) procrastination
2) feeling uncertain
3) losing control
4) when people don't know what they want
5) when i don't know what i want
6) getting accosted on the subway and feeling powerless to do anything about it
7) rain!
8) 9 am classes after 3 am diner runs
9) being too short to see in crowds :( ....shut up its a problem
10) insincere smiles....both giving and receiving them
11) when i'm not allowed to express my opinion
12) when i'm misjudged...all the time
13) being POOR!
14) feeling like no one on this campus really relates to me
15) doing my own laundry
16) cold weather and christmas

Things I Miss-
1) 8th grade...what a fun year
2) having DI until 7pm and never wanting to leave
3) room 224 and all it meant to me in sophomore year
4) basil 330 and all it meant to me last year
5) having a group of friend who knew me inside and out, but didnt judge me inappropriately
6) being completely happy for no reason at all
7) being able to say "i love you" whenever i felt like it
8) when my hair was an unnatural color
9) having a plan
10) scheming
11) seeing the future and being able to change it
12) baltimore radio stations!
13) not having to make dinner or walk to go get it
14) snow days
15) my dog
16) that wall in my bedroom at home that everyone signed

Things I Don't Miss-
1) my family (sorry, its true)
2) feeling guilty for things that were important to me
3) high school
4) coming in at 2 in the morning every night and getting up for school at 6:30
5) shane
6) dundalk
7) baltimore in general
8) lying to my parents all the time
9) being a waitress
10) hating my life and feeling unable to change it
11) hearing the yelling before i even enter my house
12) sneaking out, sneaking back in, and no one even noticing or caring where i was for 6 hours
13) arguments with my mom
14) being hungry
15) hating the way i look
16) math class

after my important self-discovery that i do indeed know the alphabet, mary ellen and i have discussed at length the science of procrastination......instead of doing work. how does procrastination affect GPA? do students procrastinate more on short term assignments or long-term ones? what kind of students procrastinate? how does dislike or like of the class or professor relate to procrastination on assignments? how does class difficulty affect procrastination?

i smell an honors project!

honors students unite.

i heart us.

yes yes yes there will always be homework im not doing but if everyone dropped everything and did their papers and assignments and chem labs on time then we would all miss out on all of life because the homework will never end. but life will.

1:30 am? why do i only come alive so late at night? its such a paradox to me that my energy levels are inverted when it comes to daylight. maybe i belong in alaska. one of the things i have always wanted to see is the aureora boralis. wanna know why? all the pictures i have ever seen of it look fake as hell. i cant believe anything i see through the media these days. what with photoshop and all. i can create anything i want to see with enough computer knowhow. why cant that skill translate into real life?

they should make pills that make you make good choices instead of liquids that make you make bad ones. im going to make it my top priority to invent that. just let me stumble through life a bit first.

i keep telling myself that one day it will get better. the "real world" will hit me all at once like coming out into the open night air after being trapped in a stuffy basement for 21 years. but honestly thats just a naive invention of todays society. were not safe here, were not hiding, were not sheltered in our little dorm rooms and fake cafeteria food. were festering. were rotting. were wasting our time in here, working hard for nothing and not having time to breathe.

what lets you breathe? what lets you see? what lets you be at ease? that should be what you spend your time on. not homework.

with that note....i have some assignments to finish.

so instead of actually doing my paper, i decided it would be great to create a blog instead. no telling whether or not i will actually update this at all but its here for me in case i ever want to. basically i got bored with reading everyone elses so i figured id write about stuff i care about - me. im so conceited, i love it.

this paper does not seem to be going so well. at least i got laundry done today! i like clean clothes. ive been very disappointed in myself recently. ive gotten two papers back for the year and both were B-. this significantly pissed me off because i am a fucking writing tutor AND a writing fellow and i cant even take care of my own papers. as you can see, im working so hard to rectify this situation right now.

i have a feeling this blog is going to be all kinds of dark and depressing. i think i like that.