so now the title really makes sense...

Well. It's over. College, I mean. It's leaving me with a lot of feelings, not really sure what to make of them yet. I had a conversation with a friend recently, and he told me graduating is a good thing. I said, "Really?" and he replied, "Yes, because now you get to start living. College is an experience but it isn't actually living."

I can definitely agree with that statement even though I haven't any first hand experience to back it up at all. Maybe one day it will all make sense. All the mistakes, the heartbreak, the triumphs, the exhilarations, the intoxication, the accomplishments that seem to fall to dust once you cross that stage. I think that I will somehow find my way through this tangled web we weave. All I know is that as lonely and complicated as I feel, I have a huge arsenal of friends to back me up when I get too weak to stand. Not in the sentimental, aw, wasn't that fun? kind of friends, but the kind that will go to bat for me, take a hit for me, sling me over their shoulder and drag me through the problems I can't bear to look straight in the face. If I haven't gained anything else from this experience (besides thousands of dollars worth of loans), I'm glad I at least have that.

Here's to you Class of 2009. And here's to you LaSalle. It's been one hell of a ride.

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection...

My mom loves that song, the one from the Muppet movie. When I was very young, my mom told me that she wanted that song played at her funeral, just because it was her favorite. Since then, I was very aware that one day my mom was going to die. It didn't trouble me then. Maybe I have a lot more going up to do because the idea sure as hell troubles me now.

I do not regret for a second spending the summer at La Salle. When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I suffered greatly through some uncertainty about whether or not I wanted to stay home in Baltimore for the summer. Obviously, the news scared me and I instantly wanted to be closer to home and to her. The first couple of weeks of summer, I had terrible, terrible nightmares involving my guilt about staying at La Salle. Now, I am so glad that I decided to stay and become a Day ONE host.

Today was absolutely phenomenal. I had a fantastic group of students that were really cool, really into participating in the activities, made a lot of great connections with each other and me, and really just opened up and got along great as a group. No one likes a Monday, no matter how great your job is, and being a host is a LOT of work, so it's definitely hard to get motivated after a long relaxing weekend. This group of kids really made my day, and made me realize why I chose to do this. I want to thank each and every one of them for being so completely great.

The summer is off to a ridiculous start. We had our first party in our townhouse, the first big dinner, the first trip to the beach. The other hosts and I got to know each other so well throughout training and being on duty together, and generally spending all our time together. It's been really amazing. I'm glad I've gotten a chance to get to know these people, most of whom I know of, but didn't really know anything about them. Everything really seems to be coming together and we work well together so far.

My relationship with Jeff is blossoming very nicely too. It makes me so happy to have such a complete joy. I make it home when I can. Mom starts radiation therapy in two weeks. Chemotherapy will probably come later in the year, although it is definitely coming. I have no idea how I am going to handle that when it begins to happen, but I know that I will have a wonderful support system in place to come to in case I need someone to lean on.

Watching all the parents with their new freshmen fills me with nostalgia and sentimentality. I remember how my mom must have felt to have to "give me up" at Day ONE. Given that her life is in danger from the cancer, remembering how she must have felt at my Day ONE (back when I was too stupid and self-centered to care) breaks my heart.

If anyone reads this, (which no one does) call your mom and tell her you love her. Like right now. She's not gonna be around forever.

...the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Nostalgia, much?

Yes, it's 3:05 in the morning. Yes, I need to move into Basil's between noon and 2pm tomorrow. No, I am not finished packing yet. Yes, I am blogging instead. Eh, I have 9 hours.... that's plenty of time.

I swore that I would only blog when I had happy things to say, or at least, not depressing things to say. Hence, I haven't had much to say the rest of my spring semester. That's not to say there weren't incredibly exhilarating, life fulfilling, amazing moments. It's just that I am a cynic and I tend to focus on the bad things. Plus I have just been really busy and had no time to blog.

Great things that have happened since my last post:
- BERLIN. VIENNA. Everything that the trip was to me.
- I turned 21 in style. :)
- I finished my Honors Project.
- I got hired as a Day ONE host!
- Things like Formal and Kiss the Wall, during which I was introduced to the best cheesesteak in Philly.
- I broke my "I don't wanna be in love" resolution, and I am oh so glad I did.
- Nobody in my family died.

That last one wasn't sarcastic. (Okay, only slightly.) Recently, that last one was thrown into Jeopardy in various ways. Luckily, everything is stable and happy and healthy, at least at the moment.

Brief synopsis for those who didn't know: My mom was diagnosed with pleomorphic liposarcoma on March 27th. A very crazy story, a very very rare cancer, with a very low survival rate. The good news is the cancer, which grows in the muscle, hasn't travelled to any other parts of her body or internal organs. With a little more surgery, on May 7th, my mom's oncologist is optimistic that he can get all of the cancer out!

When I got the bad news, before the good news came, I didn't handle it well. Normally, my reaction to sadness is to drown my sorrows in alcohol or bad choices. When I called my father the day after we found out about the cancer, he told me that my mom was worried I would be drinking too much. He made me promise not to drink to make myself feel better. For my mom's sake, and because of people who were close to me, I did my best to process feelings in a normal way and not destroy myself when I was sad. Trust me, it was new. I ended up becoming extremely depressed. I just kind of shut down in a variety of ways. For most of April I was completely miserable, stressed, and finding myself unable to function. Once my mom had more tests and her appointments yielded positive results, I found myself trying to catch up with all the work that I put off while I was incredibly sad.

I have a lot of regrets about not feeling ok for a month. I feel like I missed out a lot on most of the fun stuff of spring semester because I was so self-focused and worried about my mom. I felt Rip Van Winkle-ish; like I woke up suddenly after sleeping through half the semester. Oh well, I have one more spring left. Maybe. Jury's still out on that one.

I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends for supporting me during my "dark" period. I am definitely looking forward to living in Philly over the summer. I have a lot of fun stuff planned, and so many of my friends are going to be here! Or, relatively close to here! So it's good times ahead.

I'm naturally a very sentimental person, so looking back on this year is really really hard right now. I feel like I've changed so much. So many things feel different and turned out way different than I expected at the beginning of the fall. I'm getting a similar "not ready to let go" feeling that I got at the end of the fall. The difference is that I missed the ebb and flow of the year. Being in my bubble of sad for a month made me miss the rise and fall of the spring. I feel like the semester was just going full force and then dropped off suddenly without warning - everything was going strong and then this morning I woke up and there was a mass exodus from the townhouses.

Here's to you 07-08. Goodbye junior year.

Cheers.

one year ago....

there are a MILLION things on my mind. so much going on at this point in the semester. I'm loving it.

this week has made me feel a lot of things that i need to sort out in an informal way. one year ago something changed my life. and this week, i had this strange deja vu on several instances that really made me pause and kind of get nostalgic.

deja vu number one:
i was giving dr. franson a tour of the theatre in order to get him acquainted with the space for his acting workshop. no, he didnt give the acting workshop last year. but he mentioned, "oh yes, mark gave me this tour last year before i was hired." i said, "i was supposed to give that tour along with him. funny story about that." what i didnt add was, that was the weekend i got sick.

deja vu number two:
the lasallian service trips auction. kate called me and asked if i was going and i had forgotten about it. i came home and decided to go along with madeline. when i went, i saw all the people who had to work it because they were going on service trips. i remembered, last year i was supposed to work it. but, that was the weekend i got sick.

deja vu number three:
it started flurrying earlier today. i thought about valentines day last year, which happened to be the BEST DAY EVER because it was valentines day, and it was a snow day. this also brought back a huge wave of deja vu. last years valentines day was the best ive ever had. it happened before i got sick.

anyway, im sure its obvious by now im going to reflect on me getting sick. so much has happened to me since i got diagnosed with Meniere's disease. my entire year was tinged with this nagging, annoying thing that i sometimes had to pay attention to but i've largely kept a secret from anyone who didn't need to know.

i will never forget how it happened, how i felt. i lost my hearing on a wednesday night. it happened strangely. i was playing cards with madeline at john's townhouse and i realized i couldnt hear out of my right ear any longer. i had no idea what to do about it, it was so random and bizarre. the next morning i still couldnt hear, so i took the morning off of work and classes and laid down. i woke up at 12:00 and was terrified. i couldnt move. i was soooo dizzy and nauseated. i had no idea what was wrong with me. i called john, he brought me lunch. i couldnt eat it. while he was there, i started throwing up uncontrollably. it was then that i called my mom begging to take me home. i was panicking, i had no idea what was wrong, i felt like i was going to die. after i threw up for a while, and dictated emails to john to tell my writing fellows students that i couldnt meet with them because i was deathly ill, i went to bed again. my dad came to get me three hours later, but i was so sick i couldnt get out of bed to pack to go home. i had no idea what to do. i was alone in my room. i lied on the floor, unable to move because i was so dizzy. i called kristen. she showed up at my room with kate, mary clare, and madeline. the four of them got a bag packed for me and carried me to my dad. i threw up the whole car ride home. i went to bed when i got home, and i remember distinctly, a clear crystallizing moment. it was friday morning. (i got sick on a thursday.) i was half awake, drowsily coming around. i was aware of silence. then, loud, pounding, resounding, oppressive ringing in my right ear. i havent heard silence, ever, since. i miss it.

having this sickness has been really wierd. its not something that affects me every day. but its always there. every day, all day, when i wake til when i sleep, constantly a noise in my right ear. my hearing hasnt completely recovered. some days its horrible, other days barely noticeable. i take care of myself better now, mostly. its just weird to realize that a year ago this happened and everything changed as a result. i thought about the people in my life then, and what they mean to me now. i think about what i was looking forward to then, what im looking forward to now.

so much crazy shit going on in the future. what the hell will i think to myself about in one year from now?

go find your spark, and get happy

i resolved that i would blog more often than i have been. and i have also resolved only to blog when i am happy. luckily, as things are seemingly turning out so far, happiness is definitely occurring, and therefore, blogging can follow. :)

this semester is such a complete change of pace for me. this is the first time i haven't had a "middle show" to work on and that is kind of bizarre. there's this empty gap in my day that usually tech or something would occupy, but luckily that starts up soon.

my schedule so far is kind of awesome. i have lots of work but lots of time to get it all done. i'm mostly on top/ahead of everything that i need to do on a daily basis, which is delightfully different from what i'm used to. i spend shit tons of time in the english department, which i never had time for last semester. this means two really good things happen. 1) i read for classes when i am awake and therefore retain more knowledge and 2) i schmooze with my teachers. oh just kidding three things: 3) i GET PAID more!

so much about my life is a lot more chill this semester. last fall was wayyyyyy too busy. i totally overworked myself to the point of exhaustion. having the internship twice a week was a little too much. i had a normal amount of work and half the time to do it in. also, less time spent in a paying job meant less income, which meant less money for fun and recreation. i feel infinitely more free, even though my course load is much more this semester. i think its because im genuinely enthusiastic and loving what i do now. im enamored with every single of my classes this semester, and i look forward to going to all of them. what an awesome feeling, just to really feel a deeply excited about the classes im taking.....

i cant help but notice that this wonderful euphoria happens in a time in my life when im single. for the first time in 5 years, i am ACTUALLY single! what a phenomenon!!! i think my new year's resolution of "i dont wanna be in love" is the best idea ive ever had! i've never had so much confidence in myself, so much energy, and been so relaxed before. i've taken to wandering the city on the weekends by myself, just to walk and experience the sights and sounds and the ambiance of life. these moments of me just being are incredibly life affirming. how wonderful it is to be young, and alive, and just blessed with such great friends and ample opportunities to seize and savor. i haven't felt genuinely happy and comfortable since.... i wanna say sophomore year of high school.

am i weird for being happy and being single? life tells us that we should be happy when we are in a relationship. i guess i experienced relative happiness while in relationships... but maybe im a narcissist, and only i can make me truly happy.

i hope im not doomed to never having a family or anything because i've come to think of relationships as a negative thing. hopefully i'll outgrow my free spirit and be a typical girl eventually and whine about wanting a boyfriend and then when i get one, whine about him not wanting to marry me, and when/if he does, then i can progress to whining about him not being a good husband. i mean......i guess i assume i'll eventually want to "settle down" but a part of me is terrified that i won't. maybe this is who i am and how i will be as an adult - unhappy unless alone.

ah, that's too far away to worry about right now. all i should think about is this paper i need to write!

happy posts make me glad. good night everyone (which is no one since no one reads)!

PS: i dont care enough to post answers to the music quiz. my fear of commitment permeates so deep, i cant even follow up on that. :)

stolen from dan

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.

1. Grew up in a small town, when the rain would fall down
2. Dear baby baby, won't you, I go crazy crazy for you
3. I don't know when it all began to simmer down, suddenly I don't want you around
4. When we met, life was set, thoughts free flow you said you got something deep inside of you.
5. Hand out the window, floating on air, just a flick of the wrist and I am waving you goodbye
6. Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret
7. oh, you are taking me back from where I've been
8. I came into this world as reject
9. Am I more than you bargained for yet?
10. Who do you think you are? barging in on me and my guitar?
11. Every morning theres a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriends four post bed.
12. Find me here, speak to me, I want to feel you, I need to hear you
13. I want you to remember, a love so full it could send us all ways
14. From an empty room in the first floor as the cars pass by the liquor store
15. I kissed a drunk girl
16. Avalanche she's sullen and too thin
17. Home is this quiet place where you should be alone
18. Where I come from isn't all that great, my automobile is a piece of crap
19. On my own, pretending he's beside me
20. Made the toast buy the eggs, never got the hang of them, just another other day
21. Broadway's dark tonight
22. While she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention
23. The Signal, is subtle, we pass just close enough to touch, no question, no answers, we know by now to say enough
24. They say in chess, you've got to kill the queen and then you've made it
25. This is the first day of my life, I swear I was born right in the doorway
26. I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason
27. This song goes out to my good friends, especially to the ones I had before the Grammy nomination in 2003
28. I never said I'd lie and wait forever. If I did we'd be together.
29. How the hell did we wind up like this?
30. Yeah take it or leave it yeah, did you get what you needed?
31. Maybe this time, I'll be lucky. Maybe this time, he'll stay.
32. All aboard hit the road, all the bullshit cant be ignored
33. Days swiftly come and go, I'm dreaming of her, She's seeing other guys, emotions astir
34. Closing Time, open all the doors and let you out into the world.
35. Yesterday I went insane, oh my god, I forgot my name
36. Something is wrong with the sum of us that I can't seem to erase
37. The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight, this is the moment that I live for, I can smell the ocean air
38. God damn you half Japanese girls, you do it to me every time (HAHAHAHAHA i love that this song came on.... but i digress)
39. Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness
40. You build me up you knock me down, provoke a smile and make me frown